That’s what the therapist asked today.  Well, she didn’t say it like that ~ I put my own little twist on her words of, “Grace, what were you thinking about just then?  You looked sad for a minute.”  It just felt “warmer” when I added the “sweet” to her words . 

What was I thinking about? 

Well, right then I was thinking I’d been sitting in the therapist’s office silently for about 7 minutes and I really didn’t want to be there, especially after she asked me what I needed.  I HATE it when she asks me that…and she knows it. Seconds later came the other question, “Grace, is there some part that would like to talk to me?” (express pain, anger, sadness…)  Whenever she asks that question, there are immediately 3 conflicting voices inside my head…screaming, crying, yelling, begging to be heard.  Most of the time I can hold them inside – even if I cannot always control the facial expressions. 

What I was thinking…

I was thinking I wished I would have taken a xanax before my T appointment.  Not really, but I want things to be funny tonight because I am trying to suppress the unwelcoming  tears that are threatening me.  Last night I barely held them in as I brushed my teeth and waited for the hus to go to bed!  It’s been like that for several days now.  Like I keep reaching deep inside for something funny, anything, because I know that if I lose that part of me, the humor, I will give up.  And as much as I’d like to give up right now…it’s not really a viable option.

What was I thinking?

I was thinking about everything I wanted to say to her and I had wished I would have made a list.  But even if I had brought a list with me, I don’t know if I would have felt safe enough to talk about the things on my list.

I was thinking that the hus keeps telling me he hears me talk and scream and hold my breath all the time when I’m sleeping now…and it sounds like I’m being attacked.  It appears the nightmares continue even though I do not remember most of them now.  And I’m glad I have no memory of the most recent nightmares.

But what was I thinking that made me look sad…right before I covered my face with a sweater and thought of something humorous to say…  This….

I was thinking about the recently passed should have been “birthday” for a little boy with ½ a heart who never had the chance to live.  And that brings up so much guilt and sadness and anger for me.  Like maybe if it weren’t for all the psycho drugs I was on he would have had a WHOLE heart and he would have lived. I should’ve known.  I should have wanted him more.  I killed him.  It’s my fault.  But I can’t talk about him right now, not out loud…the therapist knows about him – but I’m not ready to talk out loud – and so I let the thought run out of my mind and tried to think of something I “could” talk about.   And now tonight I can’t stop thinking about him.  And wondering what he would have been like if he was here with me right now.  Maybe I wouldn’t be so sad…

What was I thinking?

I was thinking that I am so scared all the time.  I was thinking that I really wanted to just curl up into a tiny little ball on the therapist’s couch and have her sit next to me and just listen to her talk…about anything really – just talk – and make me feel safe.  But I didn’t say any of that.  Because I wasn’t allowed. 

What am I thinking?  I think I need to throw up again.  I am full of sorrow tonight….