So you stopped fighting. It does NOT mean it stopped being rape; it does NOT mean you wanted it. You were too young to acquiesce; you were too young to consent with a knowledgeable will; you were too young to understand anything but violation and fear. Now you are old enough to be one of the walking wounded, as marred by post-traumatic stress disorder as any combat veteran, only your enemy was someone who broke all of the laws of society to rape you.

None of this is your fault; all of it is his. You are not ugly inside or out; he is. Do not hate yourself for not wanting to be touched: own that barrier, letting people know when they trespass, so you can tell them and your younger self that now you control what happens to your body. You are entitled to safe space.

You can’t unlearn what happened to you. What you CAN learn is that you have control over what happens to you now. Make your body yours. Buy expensive creams and rub them in. Get clothes that feel good against your skin. Make it up to your body for all the mistreatment, and with luck, you’ll begin to see that if your body wasn’t to blame, neither are you.

Would martial arts classes help? If you know you can defend yourself, it would make you feel safer in your skin.