about the Tuesday  fiasco *event*  (Had I known u were coming Id have baked a cake )

THERAPIST would like to say:  I imagine that you are still trying to sort out the many painful and confusing feelings related to the events on Tues.  From what you shared briefly on the phone on Tues, the memories of childhood that were elicited has to be terribly painful for you. I hope that we will be able to process through this in an upcoming session, so that we can create some type of mutual understanding. I suggest a session on Friday morning rather then waiting till next week on Tues. This is my suggestion, but of course it is ultimately up to you. As best as I have been able to discern from our work together, talking about your experience versus letting it churn inside has seemed most helpful for you… 

5 YEAR OLD would like to say:  why did you do that, Therapist?  It scared me very much and I’m still crying and scared.  I feel sick too.  My stomach hurts because they scared me.  The police scared me, my mommy scares me.  ESF scares me too.  Becuz when they take mommy to the hospital I have to stay with him.  And I don’t like that.  Why did you make them come here?  You said I was safe here.  But then they came here.  They take her and leave me.  Why did you lie?  I’m scared and hiding from you now.  I don’t like you.  You’re not safe.   Nothing is safe.  I’m so scared to talk. 

LOGICAL GRACE would like to say:  Yes, the memories that your actions elicited were, and are still, quite painful. I’m sure you realize that your actions have put more than a minor dent in my trust for you.  You have been aware of my suicidal thoughts for some months now, and we have discussed it at length.  I do not believe that during our 9:30am conversation Tuesday morning that I stated that I was going to suicide.  I was sure that you believed that I was not an immediate threat to myself, especially considering that I made it through last weekend, all alone at home and despite my horrific feelings of self hatred and hopelessness that have arisen over the last few weeks.

I really am wondering what prompted you to change your view of my level of safety so suddenly and without contacting me such that you called for a wellness check.  Frankly the officers seemed somewhat baffled themselves due to the fact that I was perfectly coherent and calm when they arrived with no warning.  However, I am certain that whatever embarrassment you feel by sending police officers to a sane woman’s home in the middle of the morning cannot compare to what I feel.  How do you think it will be possible for me to ever be open and honest with you again in regard to my feelings of worthlessness and vulnerability or my thoughts of suicide or self harm?  Do you think it is in my best interest to now have to keep those feelings and thoughts to myself due to anxiety about repercussions from you?

I really believe that you put your own interests above my own in this situation, and perhaps due to your liability this is what is necessary for you and I can respect that in a professional sense.  Although I respect it, it does change our relationship and I have to consider whether or not I can truly be honest with you from now on.

I am also somewhat baffled by the fact that on Monday you felt I was safe and secure enough to go nine days until our next meeting.  If I was that safe on Monday, why would you suddenly be so concerned about my safety the very next day that you would send the police to my home without contacting me?  

PAG would like to say:  You would like “police protection” while we *process* it?  Here’s the thing:  I dont think I can EVER trust you AGAIN!  I don’t really understand how my *requesting meds* from you on a day you have  office hours turns into your calling the cops to come check in on me and my “well being” !!!! Yeah, um. I haven’t had so much as a speeding ticket since 1993 = so that was awesome!!!!! Especially since he was spelling my name out on his little radio while I talked to “Vicky”-  I actually woke up this morning wondering if it really  happened, or if it was some sort of crazy dream…but yeah, guess it really did happen.  HOW EFFING AWESOME!  That the cops think I’m some sort of LUNATIC just like my F**KING MOTHER! THE HOST BODY WHO YOU KNOW I DESPISE!!!!!!!   How can I ever trust you EVER AGAIN!  HOW?  I surely don’t know!   I really don’t.  BTW, I’m pretty sure they wondered WTF they were doing at my house! You seem to forget that I WROTE the book on how to “behave normally in a public situation”  Ive had over 30 years of practice.  And practice makes perfect you know.  Whatever!  I am not coming within 100 yards of your TOXIC UNSAFE office!  so do whatever you  want!  You effing marsha loving, gun jumping,  zen#####!  I don’t care what you do!- cuz “WE” ….yeah, “WE” are DONE HERE!     Love MARY, “THE HOST BODY” whatever!  I hate your guts right now!  I trusted you!  I thought you were *on my side* – *in my court* all that other shit you “claimed” to get me to *trust* you!  Obviously that was NOT the case!  So GO AWAY!
He was so right…he was so effing right… tell the truth and you get f**ked!  By the one person you trusted the most!!!!!    I didn’t need someone to make me feel even more ashamed and humiliated.  I hate you right now!  You made me feel like her and I hate her!   You find it funny that I share with you I get sodomized and raped by my ESF…Think that’s FUNNY????? Did Vicky and her pal think it was funny too?   Maybe so….BUT DONT FORGET!   I WROTE THE BOOK ON HOW TO *PRETEND* AND I BET THEY WERE WONDERING WHERE THE CRAZY WAS HIDING!   I know how to pretend!  You screwed me just like he did!  You showed me that I AM THEM! I AM HIM – I AM HER!

WE DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!