Last night around 10ish I suddenly found myself stricken with panic. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I was terrified. Literally scared *stiff*. The rocking began, the repeating one phrase, unable to stop it, scary movie on the TV. Shadows playing tricks on me…hands all over me, inside of me, hurting me, choking me.
I am writhing in pain, breathless and aching, the past is now and it is raw and agonizing. I am gasping for breath as pain surges through me like a bolt of lightning. The blood I see is not now –it’s then. The pain I feel – it’s the same pain from then. Someone help me I can’t do this. Uncontrollable sobbing, gut-wrenching agony.
Chills run down my spine, my skin is covered in goose bumps, shaking, rocking, chanting, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this” Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Please make it stop.
The only light in the darkness is the light from the phone…a safe name, a comforting voice.
You can do this. How?
You can do this. How?
What are you afraid of? Don’t touch me. Hurting me.
I am haunted. Haunted by a ghost. An unwelcome ghost who still visits me. A life left behind that catches up with me. A past I long to forget.
I know what triggered it. I know why it happened. And the problem with what happened is that it was a situation that was really unavoidable. What do you do in situations like that? I mean obviously I lived through it – since I’m writing about it…but it was way painful! How do you change it? Make it different? And don’t say meds…I’m about done with that…
Just another lifetime lingering affect of fucking kids…you can’t have a simple medical procedure without completely freaking out and begging your therapist for help.
6:48 PM on July 9th, 2010
Just tonight can you chant “I CAN do this, I CAN do this” He’s gone G, he can’t hurt you tonight. You’re safe, tell yourslf you’re safe, because you are.
9:26 PM on July 9th, 2010
{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
I’m so sorry for what has happened and for how difficult it all is.
And I’m proud of you for standing up and saying no to drug use. It was increasing the misery (as it often does). I can tell a difference in you since you’ve done that. It’s part of the beginning of reclaiming your real power.
12:10 AM on July 10th, 2010
What is the alternative to freaking out? Pretending everything is OK? Screw that. You have your voice. Use it. Tell your T. Yell, scream, throw things. Get all that out.
Loving prayers to you, dear friend. ((((GRACE))))