I have been in pain today.  I have tried to stay busy, intermittently doing some of the “adult” things I need to do…although not super successful because as of 10:30pm tonight -there are still piles of laundry all over the place.  I put some clothes in the washer and then suddenly I feel like a small child…consumed with unbearable pain.   I still don’t really understand how the emotional pain becomes somatic. 

I am trying hard not to piss off the crazies tonight…I don’t think I can handle any of the wrath or rage or crying they might pile on top of me…they could seriously kick my ass.  I am worn down.  I am in pain.  Paralyzed.  Hurting.  Trying hard to deal with it – but the sadness is so real. It’s tangible and it hurts…I am sinking into depression.

My body feels too heavy for me today.  There are good days and there are bad days, and the bad days are really draining.  Yesterday was a good day today a bad one.  I get so sad and and I just want to be left alone – and I don’t have the energy to do anything at all.  I feel so drained and no one understands what’s going on. H ell – I don’t understand so how can I explain it to anyone else?  I just feel like falling and nothing can catch me…I just sink to the floor and disappear. 

Betrayal  - guilt –  anger -  shame – the muscles in my body scream and twitch and grind.

Tonight I actually feel his hands on me.  That’s something I really can’t handle.  I have used every coping technique in the basket – but nothing seems to be helping tonight.  My chest hurts.  It’s hard to breathe. I feel him on me.  I tell myself it isn’t real.  I told myself it is not real, I told myself it is not happening now. But it is real and it is happening, I can feel it happening. I can feel it. I can. I do not understand this. He is hurting me again. 

Can you see her? Lying on her side, her knees pulled tight to her chest, as she stares at the wall in front of her.  That’s all she can do.  She hugs her knees tighter and begs God to make the pain stop.  She cries but it doesn’t matter.  She hurts but no one cares.  She is not real.  Nothing is real.  She has no one.  Her father hurts her.  It hurts so much.

I cry.  The tears flow from my eyes and blur my vision.  I am so small and the world is so big.  I don’t know what is real anymore.  I hurt.  I am hollow – transparent – and I hurt.  And that’s all there is right now.

A warm wind nudges me forward.  My parachute trails behind me.  Tonight I hold on by my fingernails.