Did you ever have one of those Jack in the Box toys as a kid where you would wind it up and it would play “Pop Goes the Weasel” faster and faster until a clown popped out and scared the shit out of you?  Me either…but I did play with one somewhere. Maybe it was church. 

That’s how last night and today have felt for me.  I can hear the music playing in the background, “All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel…the monkey thought it was such fun – POP goes the weasel….”  And it plays over and over and over again, non-stop.  And my heart beats faster and faster as the music gets faster and that damn clown keeps popping out and scaring the shit out of me! 

The never-ending looping of: anxiety, flashbacks, unable to manage, shame, despair, body memories, breaking point…thoughts spiraling out of control.  Just  like that damn music they come at me faster and faster, loss of control, no idea what is past and what is present.  Then the clown pops out – and my heart and breathing start to slow, the anxiety lessens.  I stare at the clown for a minute and then shove him away from me.  And then the music starts again.

My mind remembers and it haunts me with dreams of scary movies, a small twin bed, dark paneled walls and a dirty bathroom.  My body remembers and I feel ashamed and dirty, sickened and raw.  And I silently plead for someone to take it away before I tumble into a dissociative state of oblivion.  Because that would be better than the fear. 

Make it stop!  But it doesn’t stop…

All around the mulberry  bush.  My heart beats faster, my breath quickens. 

The monkey chased the weasel.  I can’t speak.  I can’t move. But my mind remembers.  My body feels pain.  

The monkey thought it was such fun.  The weight of him crushing me, invading me.

FEAR! SEARING PAIN! SILENT SCREAMS! 

*Pop* Goes the weasel.