I swore I would be honest here… as I’m sure you would expect nothing else.  

For today I need to drop the similes.  Today my mind has lost the ability to hold a metaphor.  I’m surprised I can type.  I need to enter this room and leave the poetics checked at the coat closet outside. 

I have been disengaged…from my family, my friends, from you, from myself.   You have tried to be here for me.  My friends IRL have tried to be here for me.  At times,  they have physically wrapped my body with theirs as a shield of protection from the outside world.  But when the war is raging  from the inside, their barriers between my body and the outside world offers little protection.

Please, if you contacted me in the last 12-24 hours it doesn’t count because I am unable to remember.  I’m truly sorry if you received no response.  Words are just noise. Voices are so far away.  My head is aching  pain is shooting down my neck, my hips scream at me in relentless pain.  I have been crying, sobbing…the  tears spill over my cheeks  and I cannot see.  My eyes are watery and small.  Are they still blue or are they now a murky grey?  I feel broken.  Memories swirl around me like cocktails being shaken & stirred.  Hands on my body, hot breath in my face, on my neck. 

They say bad things happen.  Life happens.  Bad things happen.

I am afraid I am not as strong as I make myself out to be.  My heart racing, beating loudly in my chest reminding me of horses racing in Churchill Downs.  The room spinning, spinning, spinning…I am on a carnival ride, unable to make it stop.  Laughing inside my head.    I am not even close to stable.  I see only a dim light in thick fog.  Dared to hope, tossed in with a past filled with hell memories, sprinkled with feeling like shit.   It doesn’t seem to matter what I do.  I am what’s wrong.

I am done asking for help. I am done with poetics.  I am struggling to stay attached to this world.  Something has to change.