I realize I have control issues at times but this isn’t about “control”.  This is about the fact that I am literally repulsed by food.  The texture, the thought of food, looking at food….all of it.  I have had some type of food aversion in one form or another for as long as I can remember.  But now it is as extreme as I can remember since college.  There was a point in college where I spent several months living on bagels and rocky road ice cream because that’s all I could eat.

A couple of weeks ago I went to lunch with some friends and because of something a friend of mine had ordered and was eating, I was nauseated to the point I could not eat.  Of course everyone noticed I wasn’t eating and I told them I wasn’t really that hungry.  It’s not like I can control what everyone else is ordering.  I literally tried to block my view of my friend’s plate  – but it was already too late.  The kid was already screaming and I had to excuse myself to the ladies room to vomit and try to calm myself down.  Is this one of those things you just have to learn to “deal” with?  And how? 

This food aversion has been getting progressively worse for just over a month now. And now it has gotten to the point where the hypochondriac part of me starts to scream that there must really be something physically wrong with me because it isn’t an eating disorder – I want to eat…but I can’t eat because I can’t seem to quiet the nausea and sick mental pictures enough to actually sit down and eat.  Not even the safe foods that I’ve been able to eat in the past are getting in now.  When this would happen in the past I could at least eat soup, cheese and peanut butter, and tortilla shells and bagels.  Not right now.  I even tried green beans and watermelon last night.  Both ended up in the trash.  And not only can I not eat, I cannot cook dinner or do the dishes without wanting to vomit.

For three days now I have survived on diet coke and fiber drink mixes added to water.  Coffee is even on the no-fly list right now.  By yesterday afternoon I felt so sick from not eating I finally got one of those odwalla protein drinks – which was kinda thick and wasn’t going down well –but I drank close to half of it, which I thought was good.

I am not eating disordered right now. Do not suggest CBT, DBT, or any type of “cognitive restructuring” now.  Do not suggest that eating is “simple” and I should just “make myself eat 3 meals a day.”  It doesn’t work! This is not about control, or being thin, or punishing myself in some maladaptive way. This is about the bad shit I am not prepared to talk about that is constantly reeling through my head on a blue ray disc in 3-D,  and the asshole ghost of the past who continues to haunt both my mind and my body.  And now I can’t eat anything because the smell and the texture and even visual presentation of pretty much all foods is deplorable. 

It is now  nearing 2pm and I’ve had 2 diet cokes today and some water.  I feel shaky and dizzy and I know I need to eat something.  But I can’t.  Just the mention of any food, even applesauce, makes my throat close up and nausea overwhelms me. 

Lunch is served…