Whatever will you do, Gracie-Poo? I will make potholders and I will write a book…that’s what I will do.
Distraction…before leaving for a 2 week outing (literally, OUTING) in the wilderness, the therapist asked me what I would do to “distract” myself and “keep busy” while she was away. Which, she seemingly doesn’t understand this, but some of you do: I could buy tickets to Las Vegas and plan to go -but should I fall into the pit of hell – I will not go even though I had it *planned*. Ever happen to you? Happens to me!
Harriet sent the 5 year old a kit to make pot holders!
My friend Harriet was kind enough to come up with some ideas, games, things to keep the 5 year old busy…so... »View More
Added Wednesday, September 8, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Friendship, Love makes the world go round, Yay Me!
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Dear Therapist:
I am not going to fill out a *self-care* sheet because as you know I frankly don’t think it is worth the paper it’s written on (and thank you for not *forcing* it on me). But I thought I would tell you (in writing) that I will do the best I can (but no guarentees) during your absence to limit my exposure to the ever coveted trail mix and social lubricant (that’s booze…btw, not sure what you were thinking…and as it stands I’ve not seen the other social lube since the talk I had several weeks (months?) back…yay me).
Anyway, the purpose of my writing you prior to your upcoming venture into the wilderness is not to discuss the ole’ traumatizing rectal rogering, but to let you know that I swear on the host... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 31, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CrazyBrain, Host Body is a Bitch, Just leave already!, Therapist, Yay Me!, You're welcome
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I’m having a “I feel really icky in my own body” thing going on now. Like I want to take ten showers and layer myself in ten layers of clothing (on this awesomely hot 95 degree day) to keep everyone else from seeing the ickiness. I don’t like my body.
I feel disconnected from me and the world. Sometimes the therapist calls it spacing out. It feels like I’m typing this through someone else. I’m here, but not here…watching my fingers move but I don’t really recognize them as being my hands. Where do I go? Sometimes I can remember but sometimes I can’t. Last night I don’t remember. I woke up at 1:57am and I remember thinking, I’m pretty sure I’m dead. I couldn’t move. Disconnected…I couldn’t feel... »View More
Added Saturday, August 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Because I said so-that's why, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Host Body is a Bitch, Humiliation, Now even I hate me, Repeat the trauma, Scalpel please, Shaking in the dark, Therapist, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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Bout what you ask? Bout the last conversation with the therapist. The one where she said I didn’t have to take the MWB’s card, or call her. I lied. I lied about the therapist “hearing” and “caring” enough to understand we could never ever ever (in a bazillion years) call that dbtmarshalovingfatbitch. That conversation never happened. I wish it would’ve. But it didn’t.
I even asked a couple of friends if I was being too sensitive or “enraged” about the *back up* T situation…and everyone said no. My admin said she thinks the therapist does shit like that on purpose, my friend P said therapist should know how I feel about that bitch, my friend L said, “Whatheff….Therapist would have been better off picking... »View More
Added Friday, August 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, Invalidation, Just leave already!, Now even I hate me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shame, Therapist, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
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I have never felt ANY physical pain
that even comes close to the overwhelming shit that is inside of me.
Nothing compares!
And every night I wonder what it would feel like to feel safe.
Safe!
What does that even mean?
I wonder what it would feel like to get up in the morning and to FEEL alive
and not have to pretend to be alive.
I feel defeated and afraid.
And my body plays this cruel joke of breathing
living ~ when nothing else inside of me sees a reason too.
And if there is no little girl there is no pain.
That’s what I need right now.
That’s what I want right now
She is way too much!
She is evil and poisonous.
And the only way to make it stop is for her to go away –
no matter what that takes no matter what the consequences.
She... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Gracie Cries
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But I have to warn you, it’s bland and tepid in here now. I’ve nothing to share now to charm you with my wit. I’ve no interesting statistics to impress you with my intellect. There are no good stores…nothing compelling. Only misery, deep, vast, endless pain. I’m really not well. The demons inside my head continue to scream and eventually they will tear me to pieces. There is nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. The nightmares are horrendous, the shame unspeakable. My jaw aches, my hips ache, my head aches. I am really not well. The all-consuming parts of me have drowned out the logical adult Grace and she is nowhere to be found. If I could only identify where in my body these unspeakable parts reside,... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Are you there God? it's me again, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, I can do it by myself, I have bad genes, Now even I hate me, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, Why can't you hear the screaming?, dissociation
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Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. I am worn out, emotionally and physically. Sometimes the burden of “keeping myself safe” is too heavy. It is asking too much of me to “manage” all of follies, the nightmares, the triggers, the shame, the embarrassment, the rage – the internal voices who scream and cry and rage…all with no support. It is too much! And trying to avoid all of that shit is like avoiding breathing, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now. Something has to give. There is only so much one person can deal with day in and day out every single day and night! There is only so much!
I am not equipped to handle an entire Pie of Crazy.
The therapist... »View More
Added Sunday, August 22, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CB rant you should ignore, CSA, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, I should drink more, Just leave already!, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Now even I hate me, Shame, Therapist, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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Dreamed about the therapist all night last night, like one of those nights where you dream, wake up, fall back asleep and continue in the same dream. Obviously I know why I dreamed about the therapist…the “abandonment” threat level currently being *red* and all, but there were other people in the dreams, too. Some of them I think I get the significance of their presence, others I’m not so sure.
Dreams with the therapist in them are rare. From what I can remember, this is only the third time she’s appeared in my dreams. The first time was over 3 years ago and I was walking around the block by her office and a man started chasing me…I called the therapist and she didn’t answer her phone. The second dream with the therapist... »View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Gracie Cries, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Just leave already!, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why can't you hear the screaming?, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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As I said yesterday I’ve been in a bit of a quandary about the therapist’s upcoming vacation. I did talk to her about how I took her phrase of, “Well maybe we shouldn’t talk until after I get back.” I told her it hurt my feelings and I didn’t really understand how that would be helpful after I had just told her that I am really not doing well right now, and I feel like I have very minimal support outside of her. I get that I need to have a support system in place, and that I can’t “rely” on the therapist for that support. But the problem is, most of my “support system” is in exactly the same position I am in and the support we’ll probably be able to provide is something to the effect of, “Yeah, I’m in the... »View More
Added Wednesday, August 18, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Bitch-slapped by the universe, Bitter is the new black, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Humiliation, I can do it by myself, Now even I hate me, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, Yay Me!, sui-sui-suidio...
2 Comments
She never stopped crying…and I am sick. Secrets too terrible to be spoken…every part of my mind and body are aching. His words mock me, constantly repeating in my mind. He is dead and I am still haunted, tortured , paralyzed with fear. My body is so sore and not just physically…poison is eating me from the inside out. It is so not okay to be me right now.
I exist in two places at once now. The hus has suddenly stumbled upon some newly found sexual energy and as I am spending most nights in a past filled with hell, he wants to spend most nights with me, in the present…like every night. And the problem is I can’t be there or here because the lines get blurred. I’m all over the place. And it usually doesn’t... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 17, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Gracie Cries, Humiliation, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Shame, Stop...I want off!, Tread lightly on this one, dissociation, sex
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