Like really afraid? I do. Every single night I feel like I am being hunted, sought after, prey. I never relax. I never sleep soundly. I startle at the wind blowing through the blinds. I constantly look around, trying to find the danger, trying to anticipate where the attack will come from. It will come.
Have you ever been hunted like game? Have you ever been caught and attacked by the hunter? If you haven’t had the pleasure you don’t really know fear.
I watch a lot of scary movies… a lot. That’s what it feels like for me at night. HERE. IN.MY.REAL.LIFE.NIGHTS…not a movie. You know in those movies where you scream at the woman not to go into that room, not to go outside, not to open that door? And you watch... »View More
Added Monday, August 30, 2010
in Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Oh the Anxiety, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, TraumaHead, dissociation
4 Comments
I haven’t been able to write for a few days. I tried but every time I would sit down to write – I became fearful of telling the truth. And pretending and posting some Sally Sunshine bullshit is just not an option for me here, so I just didn’t write at all.
Last week was a bad week. It started on a Sunday night and as the week wore on – my body hurt worse and worse, the nights grew more and more impossible – and there was nothing in my bag of ‘cope’ that was helping. I begged and pleaded and cried until I finally gave up and just crawled into a hole somewhere so deep inside of me, I was lost even to myself.
I spent most of last week zoning out and losing focus. I struggled to even get out of bed and I would avoid... »View More
Added Tuesday, July 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ED, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, Oh the Anxiety, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation
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I swore I would be honest here… as I’m sure you would expect nothing else.
For today I need to drop the similes. Today my mind has lost the ability to hold a metaphor. I’m surprised I can type. I need to enter this room and leave the poetics checked at the coat closet outside.
I have been disengaged…from my family, my friends, from you, from myself. You have tried to be here for me. My friends IRL have tried to be here for me. At times, they have physically wrapped my body with theirs as a shield of protection from the outside world. But when the war is raging from the inside, their barriers between my body and the outside world offers little protection.
Please, if you contacted me in the last 12-24 hours... »View More
Added Wednesday, July 21, 2010
in Flashback Follies, Nod if you can hear me, Oh the Anxiety, depression, dissociation
5 Comments
Did you ever have one of those Jack in the Box toys as a kid where you would wind it up and it would play “Pop Goes the Weasel” faster and faster until a clown popped out and scared the shit out of you? Me either…but I did play with one somewhere. Maybe it was church.
That’s how last night and today have felt for me. I can hear the music playing in the background, “All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel…the monkey thought it was such fun – POP goes the weasel….” And it plays over and over and over again, non-stop. And my heart beats faster and faster as the music gets faster and that damn clown keeps popping out and scaring the shit out of me!
The never-ending looping of: anxiety, flashbacks,... »View More
Added Monday, July 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Oh the Anxiety, Pain, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, dissociation
2 Comments
The therapist leaves for vacation tomorrow. It always slays me that T’s want to spend the whole session before their vacation talking about how you are going to deal with their vacation. Which, it doesn’t seem to matter what I say about it – she always asks something different. I don’t get it. She was gone over Christmas one year and I was way suicidal and when I told her I didn’t think I could keep myself safe she told me I wasn’t three and I should act like an adult. Once I was incredibly angry when she went on vacation and she was frustrated. I mean, I don’t blame her for that, can’t I be happy that she’s taking a vacation –it isn’t really fair for me to be angry. So I’m not angry and now she’s... »View More
Added Monday, July 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, I can do it by myself, Oh the Anxiety, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Pain, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression
2 Comments
Earlier this week I was having a hard time coping. All I could focus on was taking one breath and then another and then another…focusing on that until the sun would rise again. But tonight I feel warmth in my heart. I just can’t express to you how much encouragement your words provide me. I am amazed by your words…I am amazed by you.
Despite what I believed growing up, the world is filled with kind souls and kindred spirits. I know that I am lucky to see that now. A few years ago the therapist told me to reach out and connect with others like me. I don’t necessarily think she meant I should start a blog…but we all have to find our own way, right? I’ve never been one who was short on friends…I’ve always had lots... »View More
Added Friday, July 16, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Cyber-Hugs, Friendship, Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing, Hope, Love makes the world go round, Oh the Anxiety, Thankful
4 Comments
My body is so sore and I am physically and emotionally drained. I tried to express this to the therapist on Monday but she insisted on pushing me past the limit. And since that time – I’ve been trapped in a whirlwind of feelings that I am having a difficult time articulating. I feel trapped, cornered, and I am unsure of how to move forward from this frozen state. My mind has been unable to wrap itself around the smallest of tasks without sending messages of alarm to every nerve ending in my body, and my skin feels as though it’s on fire…scalded. And the two people I should be able to count on for support are ripping me apart with the demands they each pile on top of me. I am suffocating under the weight of... »View More
Added Wednesday, July 14, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Nod if you can hear me, Oh the Anxiety, Pain, Repeat the trauma, Therapist, Why should I trust you, depression
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Added Tuesday, July 13, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Oh the Anxiety, sex
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Dear Jim:
Your customer service skills are superb and I run a call center, so I know customer service. Listen, Jim, I do a lot of work from home in the evening since I get constant interruptions during the day. (I also blog a lot in the evening…but that may not seem like such a dire need for internet). And I missed all last week, Jim, dealing with the aftereffects of a miscarriage, which is not your problem, I understand that, however, I just want you to be aware that my hormones are probably a bit jacked up still, and I do not direct my anger appropriately under *normal* circumstances, so I feel the need to put that out there right up front so you know what you’re dealing with. While I get that the fact that my internet... »View More
Added Monday, July 12, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Oh the Anxiety
1 Comment
Last night around 10ish I suddenly found myself stricken with panic. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I was terrified. Literally scared *stiff*. The rocking began, the repeating one phrase, unable to stop it, scary movie on the TV. Shadows playing tricks on me…hands all over me, inside of me, hurting me, choking me.
I am writhing in pain, breathless and aching, the past is now and it is raw and agonizing. I am gasping for breath as pain surges through me like a bolt of lightning. The blood I see is not now –it’s then. The pain I feel – it’s the same pain from then. Someone help me I can’t do this. Uncontrollable sobbing, gut-wrenching agony.
Chills run down my spine, my skin is covered in goose bumps,... »View More
Added Friday, July 9, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, Grace's Thoughts, Oh the Anxiety, Pain
3 Comments
