The grandparents adopted the host body when she was 8 years old. The host body’s bio father left her alcoholic bio mother with 6 kids and no income and the children were take away from her. Oh, the irony. That just hit me right this minute as I type this…that she was taken away from her mother when she was 8 years old and the host body and my bio father left my older brother and I alone in an apartment in Immokalee, Florida when we were 21 months and 6 months old, respectively, for 3 days while they were picking oranges and boozing it up. My brother and I were found by a catholic church member who happened to see my brother J hanging out of the 3rd floor apartment window. But we were not taken away from them. We were returned to them to... »View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Host Body is a Bitch, I have bad genes, child abuse
1 Comment
That old saying, “April showers bring May flowers…” I was thinking of that tonight.
May…mothers day is in May – a “hallmark” holiday, if you ask me, but I’m sure there are many who would disagree. A day to “celebrate” mothers. But I don’t celebrate my mother. I remember several years ago, I was going to spend mother’s day with my gramma and I knew the host body would be there. And to prevent a truly awkward situation for everyone I stopped to get her a mothers day card. I stood there, in the hallmark store, for an hour, reading card after card, trying to find one to buy for the woman who was gracious enough to give birth to me, but never loving me, or... »View More
Added Thursday, April 29, 2010
in ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing, Shame, child abuse, depression
5 Comments
I don’t remember when Nikki first started reading my blog and leaving behind words of encouragement and support, letting me know she was in my corner, believing in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. Nikki told me that she used to be me; living like a walking corpse, breathing but begging to die, unable to trust in herself or anyone else. The enemy in her own personal war…fighting against herself, cutting herself, hating herself, destroying herself.
And I would read Nikki’s words and I would think to myself; this woman is a fighter! She’s strong in mind, body and spirit. She fought and she won. I am not that strong. And on those days I couldn’t see in myself what Nikki claimed to see in me, Nikki would tell me, “Hold on,... »View More
Added Saturday, April 17, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing, child abuse
3 Comments
REVISED
Today I walk on familiar ground. Back in my old hometown. Nothing has changed here. In some respects it feels as though I never left. But I did leave…and I guess I never really wanted to come back here. I have a knot in my throat that extends to my stomach. It’s been here for about a week now. I am edgy and shaky; my body feels like a big volt of electricity and I want someone to wrap me up tightly in a blanket until I stop shaking. I told the therapist today I feel like I have parkinson’s. She told me to eat something and I told her I’m not hungry. I don’t remember the last time I was hungry…
My grandmother’s affairs are a mess~ the host body strikes again. I had the lowest of expectations for... »View More
Added Wednesday, April 7, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, ED, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Sleep? Who needs it! ME, Therapist, child abuse, depression
1 Comment
I am sitting here alone in the darkness of my family room, the flavor of cheap moscato lingering on my taste buds, tired and headachy and trying my damnest not to scream or cry. The headache that lingers from yesterday’s endless waterfall of tears is begging me not to play the role of the hysterical female, waving her white kerchief helplessly while waiting for her knight in shining armor to ride in on his white stallion and rescue her tonight. I have to roll my eyes at that thought, and proclaim loudly, “And they all lived happily ever after…” and then close the book and sigh.
The only reasonable alternative that I can come up with to grant that wish is to sit and stare off to my left, and try to detach myself from all that I... »View More
Added Tuesday, March 30, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, Cyber-Hugs, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Repeat the trauma, Shame, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, Therapist, TraumaHead, child abuse, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror, sex
8 Comments
Paddle faster!
I come from a long line of illiterate rednecks. My mother was adopted and I’ve never met my bio father, but I hear his mother was one of those genuine back woods women who had no teeth and chewed tobacco while sitting on the house porch listening to banjo music. My mother’s bio parents were asshole alcoholics (much like her) but my grandparents, her adoptive parents are/were good people.
I have two brothers, one older, one younger. My older brother has been in and out of prison for years, he is currently “in”. My younger brother, the only one of us who actually called the ESF “dad” was in and out of juvenile detention centers until he was around 16 years old at which point he settled down and is now married... »View More
Added Monday, March 29, 2010
in CrazyBrain, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Shame, TraumaHead, child abuse, depression
5 Comments
Mommy Dearest,
I wanted to take a moment out of my *crazy* life to wish you happy birthday, and to thank you for everything you have done for me in the past 38 years. I spent some time today making a gratitude list I want to share with you. Are you ready, mommy? I worked really hard on it.
~ Thank you for telling me you hated me and wished I was never born…I’m still trying to figure out this whole attachment disorder thing because of it! But you probably just wanted to “challenge” me…
~ Thank you for telling me I was worthless, unwanted, and not good enough…even with an education, a successful career, a family of my own, and friends who truly care about me…I still feel worthless, unwanted, and not good enough.
~... »View More
Added Thursday, March 25, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, TraumaHead, child abuse
5 Comments
We were out shopping today as a fam…and I rented the movie “Precious”. The hus warned me not to rent it. The conversation in front of the redbox went something like this:
Hus: Really, I saw the preview for that movie. It’s some graphic shit about child abuse. It’ll fuck you up – I don’t think you should watch it.
Grace: I can handle it. I know it’s about a girl being abused – and I want to watch it.
Hus: For real, Grace, don’t rent it. You’ll be all fucked up by it and I don’t want to deal with it tonight.
Grace: I’ll be fine, I’m renting it.
Hus: Whatever…(shrugs shoulders) do what you want.
I watched the movie. It was terribly sad, the abuse that Precious suffered at the hands of her father.
There... »View More
Added Saturday, March 20, 2010
in CSA, Grace's Thoughts, Shame, child abuse, depression, dissociation
6 Comments
This is a post that I would normally password protect, and I still might, I’m not sure (see, I’m even confused about this post!). I password protect posts that reference specific memories and details of the abuse I experienced by my step-father. Most are graphic in nature and contain profanity and details that if I were to stumble across in blogland, would probably send me into one of those dissociative states that would lead to some sort of inability to stay present and in charge. In a sense, by protecting a post, I am protecting myself and maybe someone else who might be triggered by something I might write. If I am contacted by someone who wants to read these protected posts, and understands the content might be triggering,... »View More
Added Friday, March 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Repeat the trauma, Shame, Therapist, Tread lightly on this one, child abuse, dissociation, sex
5 Comments
I read statistics and I read books and I know that there are certain *traits* that seem to be common for people where were abused as children. Sadly, the things I’ve most recently read seem to point to the fact that the more severe the abuse (whether the nature of the abuse or the relationship with the abuser) the more severe and insurmountable the problems (aftereffects). Yes, you read that right, I said, ‘insurmountable’…also read as impossible, overwhelming, insoluble. That sounds like it’s over before we even begin, doesn’t it? When you read about the ‘aftereffects’ it’s like we have been labeled with a chronic and terminal illness because we were sexually abused.
Put down the book, Grace! You KNOW you... »View More
Added Sunday, March 14, 2010
in CrazyBrain, ED, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Shame, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you, child abuse, depression, dissociation
4 Comments
