I’m sitting here and the last thing I want to do is write. Oh, that’s not entirely true. I have wanted to write…but I haven’t been able to do it. I have been aching to talk about last Friday night but unable to find the words. I have been silent online. I know that. It was on purpose. I have come here several times today, and a few times yesterday, but my mind has been unable to take the myriad of fragmented thoughts and memories and put them down on paper in a way they will be able to be read and understood. My thoughts don’t form fluid complete sentences right now. They have no eloquence or beauty…perhaps they also lack the passion that was once at my fingertips – words begging to be written, screaming to be... »View More
Added Tuesday, September 7, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Lemonade is Sour and it Sux
6 Comments
Dear Therapist:
I am not going to fill out a *self-care* sheet because as you know I frankly don’t think it is worth the paper it’s written on (and thank you for not *forcing* it on me). But I thought I would tell you (in writing) that I will do the best I can (but no guarentees) during your absence to limit my exposure to the ever coveted trail mix and social lubricant (that’s booze…btw, not sure what you were thinking…and as it stands I’ve not seen the other social lube since the talk I had several weeks (months?) back…yay me).
Anyway, the purpose of my writing you prior to your upcoming venture into the wilderness is not to discuss the ole’ traumatizing rectal rogering, but to let you know that I swear on the host... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 31, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CrazyBrain, Host Body is a Bitch, Just leave already!, Therapist, Yay Me!, You're welcome
2 Comments
and work your plan…. THE MOST AWESOMEST PLAN IN THE HISTORY OF A SUI- MANIAC. MENTALIST. (my mommy would be so proud)
GENERAL: Read, journal, blog, watch movies, scrapbook, play with the dog, play games on IPOD, listen to music, go outside, phone a friend, email with friends
PANIC/TRIGGERS: be proactive, breathe, remember you are *safe* even if you don’t feel safe
CONTAINMENT: Write down everything that feels overwhelming; throw it in a bucket and save it for the couch
GROUNDING: use your senses…see, hear, feel, smell, taste…stay *present* focused
DEALING WITH THE ANNOYING KID SWEET LITTLE ANGEL: reassure her and soothe her, sing her a song, love her, color, rock. If that doesn’t work: tell her to manage her... »View More
Added Sunday, August 29, 2010
in Bitter is the new black, CrazyBrain, Does this post make my ass look big?, Feeling stabby again, Host Body is a Bitch, I can do it by myself, I should drink more, Just leave already!, Lemonade is Sour and it Sux, Marsha is a cult leader, This is MY blog dammit!, stop judging me!, sui-sui-suidio...
2 Comments
That wasn’t what I ordered! I hate crazy…and now I am surrounded by it and I have to eat it, and breathe it, and smell it…and live with it. And I am angry. I am bitter. I am sad. I am resentful. I have completely misplaced my gratitude and I am searching for it, looking around for it, yelling for it. I have stapled *LOST* have you seen me?* signs in all the grocery store bulletin boards, taken out an ad on Craigslist. And. I. Can’t. Find. It. This weakness, this craving for normalcy, this wretched self-pity and loathing, this “Why the hell don’t I get to be like everybody else?”…it has brought me to my knees, and I have forgotten who I am.
Hopelessness has slammed into me and thrown its suffocating weight on top of me. It is... »View More
Added Sunday, August 29, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, I can't breathe, I have bad genes, Now even I hate me, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
2 Comments
I’m having a “I feel really icky in my own body” thing going on now. Like I want to take ten showers and layer myself in ten layers of clothing (on this awesomely hot 95 degree day) to keep everyone else from seeing the ickiness. I don’t like my body.
I feel disconnected from me and the world. Sometimes the therapist calls it spacing out. It feels like I’m typing this through someone else. I’m here, but not here…watching my fingers move but I don’t really recognize them as being my hands. Where do I go? Sometimes I can remember but sometimes I can’t. Last night I don’t remember. I woke up at 1:57am and I remember thinking, I’m pretty sure I’m dead. I couldn’t move. Disconnected…I couldn’t feel... »View More
Added Saturday, August 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Because I said so-that's why, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Host Body is a Bitch, Humiliation, Now even I hate me, Repeat the trauma, Scalpel please, Shaking in the dark, Therapist, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
Comments Off
Bout what you ask? Bout the last conversation with the therapist. The one where she said I didn’t have to take the MWB’s card, or call her. I lied. I lied about the therapist “hearing” and “caring” enough to understand we could never ever ever (in a bazillion years) call that dbtmarshalovingfatbitch. That conversation never happened. I wish it would’ve. But it didn’t.
I even asked a couple of friends if I was being too sensitive or “enraged” about the *back up* T situation…and everyone said no. My admin said she thinks the therapist does shit like that on purpose, my friend P said therapist should know how I feel about that bitch, my friend L said, “Whatheff….Therapist would have been better off picking... »View More
Added Friday, August 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, Invalidation, Just leave already!, Now even I hate me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shame, Therapist, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
5 Comments
But I have to warn you, it’s bland and tepid in here now. I’ve nothing to share now to charm you with my wit. I’ve no interesting statistics to impress you with my intellect. There are no good stores…nothing compelling. Only misery, deep, vast, endless pain. I’m really not well. The demons inside my head continue to scream and eventually they will tear me to pieces. There is nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. The nightmares are horrendous, the shame unspeakable. My jaw aches, my hips ache, my head aches. I am really not well. The all-consuming parts of me have drowned out the logical adult Grace and she is nowhere to be found. If I could only identify where in my body these unspeakable parts reside,... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Are you there God? it's me again, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, I can do it by myself, I have bad genes, Now even I hate me, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, Why can't you hear the screaming?, dissociation
Add a Comment
Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. I am worn out, emotionally and physically. Sometimes the burden of “keeping myself safe” is too heavy. It is asking too much of me to “manage” all of follies, the nightmares, the triggers, the shame, the embarrassment, the rage – the internal voices who scream and cry and rage…all with no support. It is too much! And trying to avoid all of that shit is like avoiding breathing, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now. Something has to give. There is only so much one person can deal with day in and day out every single day and night! There is only so much!
I am not equipped to handle an entire Pie of Crazy.
The therapist... »View More
Added Sunday, August 22, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CB rant you should ignore, CSA, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, I should drink more, Just leave already!, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Now even I hate me, Shame, Therapist, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
1 Comment
I stayed up way way way too late last night trembling and crying and trying to hide. I did NOT, however, call the therapist in *distress* to have her assist me in calming the child and helping us find a safe space. NO! I dealt with it myself! Yay me! (which, you would cease to pat me on the back should you actually have the details behind the word *dealt*) however, that shall not be disclosed at this time.
When I finally collapsed into bed I was overwhelmed with fear and I started to wake up the hus but he was sleeping peacefully so I surrounded myself with 9 pillows and tried to fall into sleep. But it’s too much. I can’t hide. My body aches from the fear and the night sends a shiver through my curled up body and there... »View More
Added Saturday, August 21, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, Pain is Pain, Shaking in the dark, Stop...I want off!, Why can't you hear the screaming?, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
Add a Comment
This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:
Password:
»View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in CrazyBrain, I can do it by myself, I have bad genes, I unapologize, Scalpel please, Shame, Uh-Oh, sui-sui-suidio...
Comments Off
