Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. I am worn out, emotionally and physically. Sometimes the burden of “keeping myself safe” is too heavy. It is asking too much of me to “manage” all of follies, the nightmares, the triggers, the shame, the embarrassment, the rage – the internal voices who scream and cry and rage…all with no support. It is too much! And trying to avoid all of that shit is like avoiding breathing, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now. Something has to give. There is only so much one person can deal with day in and day out every single day and night! There is only so much!
I am not equipped to handle an entire Pie of Crazy.
The therapist... »View More
Added Sunday, August 22, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CB rant you should ignore, CSA, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, I should drink more, Just leave already!, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Now even I hate me, Shame, Therapist, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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Today the therapist said “we really need to do some body/grounding work to help with the body crud…” and I know that – but I don’t get it. And it feels weird and embarrassing and I don’t get it. I don’t get it. And I’m scared because I can’t do another night. I can’t. So that voice, the one who has given up, the one who has nothing left, is screaming inside my head, “I can’t do another night. I can’t do another night. I can’t get through another night. I can’t live through another night.” I am surprised the therapist cannot hear the screaming inside my head, but obviously she couldn’t because she is asking, over and over, “What are you thinking right now.” I CANT GET THROUGH... »View More
Added Friday, August 6, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, dissociation
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The past two weeks he has relentlessly haunted me day and night. There have been moments of excruciating mental and physical pain and it’s felt like I’ve moved into the Amityville house of horrors. There was one night in a panic I had thoughts of calling a Demonologist to come and exorcise my body.
I’m not fond of reliving the past. I do not wish to watch this horror film over and over and not only is it in 3-D, I can feel the actual physical sensations over and over again. There are times when I watch from outside my body, floating above that little girl, not feeling her pain, but seeing the pain in her eyes as she stares into mine pleading with me to help her. Other times I feel that I am her, trapped, in pain, unable to breathe. ... »View More
Added Sunday, August 1, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Humiliation, Shame, TraumaHead, dissociation
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I have been partying at the flashback fun frolic for just about 2 weeks now. And contrary to what the nun thinks works best I have been unable to distract (dissociate) it all away. And when this happens, there’s no “mindfullness” or “bucket-slinging”…there’s only watching the clock and struggling to getting through each minute. I cannot sweep it under the rug or pretend it doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, neither have I been able to talk about it with my dear sweet therapist because there is always that little voice who questions the trustworthiness during times like these because it was during one of the most vulnerable moments of my life when I was held down and tortured to the point of... »View More
Added Sunday, August 1, 2010
in CSA, DBT is NOT Therapy, Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, I hate DBT, Invalidation, Marsha is a cult leader, Repeat the trauma, Survivors against DBT & the Nun, TraumaHead
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Added Saturday, July 31, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Shame, TraumaHead, dissociation
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I haven’t been well in awhile. I don’t think I’ve felt well since before my gramma died. I look back and I blame myself. Every day there is this overwhelming shame and blame. I blame me for existing. I blame my body for being abused and hurt. I blame me for all the pain. I blame me. I am ashamed of me.
Nothing will make it better. The shame clings to me like a slip filled with static. It moves with me – it molds to my very essence. It doesn’t go away. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am not normal. I carry all this anger and pain and this overwhelming shame. I fantasize about what it would be like if I didn’t exist. If I was never born. If I never existed he could not have hurt me. How lovely... »View More
Added Friday, July 30, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, CrazyBrain, Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Shame, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation, suicide
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As I said in an earlier post, I was missing for several days because I had lost myself. I have since found Broken Grace. And as I suspected, she was on the bathroom floor, curled into a ball and wrapped tightly in a blue blanket drinking two-buck chuck straight from the bottle. She still wishes to hide.
I woke up this morning feeling like my insides have been completely ravaged and wasted of any good feelings and the desire to just give up and never come out of hiding again is strong. I am not in a good place right now. I am too tired to battle the demons in my head. I am broken! Broken! And broken Grace cannot deal with the constant headaches and nausea. She cannot handle the chronic pain with no relief. She’s broken. ... »View More
Added Wednesday, July 28, 2010
in CSA, CrazyBrain, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, I can do it by myself, Nod if you can hear me, Pain, Shame, dissociation
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I haven’t been able to write for a few days. I tried but every time I would sit down to write – I became fearful of telling the truth. And pretending and posting some Sally Sunshine bullshit is just not an option for me here, so I just didn’t write at all.
Last week was a bad week. It started on a Sunday night and as the week wore on – my body hurt worse and worse, the nights grew more and more impossible – and there was nothing in my bag of ‘cope’ that was helping. I begged and pleaded and cried until I finally gave up and just crawled into a hole somewhere so deep inside of me, I was lost even to myself.
I spent most of last week zoning out and losing focus. I struggled to even get out of bed and I would avoid... »View More
Added Tuesday, July 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ED, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, Oh the Anxiety, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation
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It is taking every ounce of energy I have to just keep breathing – and I think that sucks! Last night I watched a scary movie called Room 33 (nuff’ said), and spent the rest of the night rocking to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel .
Here I am again tonight…watching yet another freaky horror movie on the chiller channel, in a futile attempt to block the horror from my mind. Running back and forth from my chair to the bathroom…paralyzed, anxious, chest constricted, vomiting. Containment is unattainable. Currently in this terrible movie a man has trapped a woman in the bathtub and he is slicing her arms and she is bleeding to death in her bathtub…and I’m wondering why that can’t be me. What’s wrong with me?
I am alone…my... »View More
Added Tuesday, July 20, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Pain, dissociation, sex
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Did you ever have one of those Jack in the Box toys as a kid where you would wind it up and it would play “Pop Goes the Weasel” faster and faster until a clown popped out and scared the shit out of you? Me either…but I did play with one somewhere. Maybe it was church.
That’s how last night and today have felt for me. I can hear the music playing in the background, “All around the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel…the monkey thought it was such fun – POP goes the weasel….” And it plays over and over and over again, non-stop. And my heart beats faster and faster as the music gets faster and that damn clown keeps popping out and scaring the shit out of me!
The never-ending looping of: anxiety, flashbacks,... »View More
Added Monday, July 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Oh the Anxiety, Pain, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, dissociation
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