I am not sure who or where I am. It appears as though my gravitational pull toward si/sui is not something I am able to resist. The child’s safety net is gone and no one else can cope with that. I need an escape route because the urge to self-destruct is intensely powerful and everything is pointless and I am worthless and this is just way too hard. Once again shit is happening when I’m not here and I’m not around to stop it…left only to try to piece it all together when I return.
I have stopped checking my “sent” file in my email box because I have not sent any emails (other than the occasional scheduling change) to the therapist …until last week. I wasn’t aware that I sent anything to her until she referenced the... »View More
Added Sunday, August 22, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Defiant Grace, Gracie Cries, Just leave already!, Post I will prob'ly delete tomorrow, Scalpel please, Therapist, TraumaHead, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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In session today, the therapist inquires, “So Grace, what are your plans for the weekend?”
And I’m all, “Well, the 8 year old has a sleepover and the hus and the 11 year old have a baseball tournament and it’s far away and I really shouldn’t leave big puppy at home alone for the weekend – so I’m going to stay home with him. So it’s me and Sama-lama-ding-dog.”
The therapist is all, “Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to be alone for the weekend?”
And I’m like, do you always answer with questions? – I didn’t say that part, I just thought it.
What I said was, “My friend is headed to the liquor store for some awesome Moscato for me….and so I am planning to hang with big puppy, have some wine,... »View More
Added Thursday, June 24, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Therapist
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Suicide sux more (prob’ly)…
Depression sucks! Like really sucks! It leads to all kinds of thinking that sucks! (sux is apparently the theme word in this post). I know because I totally live it – all the time. Nearly every night I am overwhelmed with body pain, nightmares, insomnia – panic attacks that make me vomit – which has led to chronic acid reflux. I spend a fortune on drugs and therapy and I still feel like shit! And so I start thinking that I’m worthless, and I mean nothing, and because I’m such a mess – really – I should just kill myself because really my death would be a relief to everyone in my life. And when that happens there is a tiny voice inside my head, barely audible, that whispers, “I... »View More
Added Thursday, June 3, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Cyber-Hugs, Defiant Grace, Friendship, Grace's Thoughts, suicide
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See this is what I always do. I do it ALL THE TIME! Whenever I feel like the therapist understands (Monday) and cares then I want to do something to piss her off to make sure she knows that I don’t need her (Today). So today I kept picking fights with her, disagreeing with everything she said because I don’t need her! I don’t!
I needed her over the weekend but she wasn’t there. But she says, “If I make exceptions they become expectations – 5 year old.” Hear that, 5 year old? Hear that? You are bad and no one will be there for you! Don’t let her in! Don’t let her in! Don’t do it! Don’t accept anything! Then she was all, “If there is something *special* going on and... »View More
Added Wednesday, May 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Defiant Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Therapist, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you
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“It wasn’t your fault” The words follow me wherever I go; inked into the many pages of a torn journal, etched bloodily into the flesh of my arms. Haunting me endlessly and echoing inside my mind in bursts of staining black.
“Why do you hurt yourself?” I want to scream an answer to this question, yet I never do, I never will. I don’t have the answer they want. Yet my mouth wants to spit the venomous words out at them. My tongue is empty of truth. I smile condescendingly at their horrified faces, doing whatever I can to escape.
“Just be a good girl and everything will be fine” Can you not understand? I’m not good. I’m bad, tainted, my very essence poisoned and corrupted. ... »View More
Added Monday, May 17, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, Nod if you can hear me, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Why can't you hear the screaming?, Why should I trust you, depression, dissociation, self-injury
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I am quite seriously thinking of performing my own lobotomy tonight. At this point I think that is the only way to kill the craziness. I have tried to get help but I get handed a handful of anti-crazy meds and a 3×5 card with some distraction skills and the directive to “shut up and behave”.
I tell a DBTC that her class isn’t working for me and I get called a petulant child. (Are you kidding me?)
I tell the therapist that the dbt classes aren’t working for me, and she tells me, “Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, “pretend” to feel good.” Dear... »View More
Added Wednesday, March 31, 2010
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, Defiant Grace, I hate DBT, Invalidation, Marsha is a cult leader, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Repeat the trauma, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you
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So many times the therapist has said to me, “Grace, try to appeal to your rational mind…” In fact, I could provide 93 examples of the therapist using the word “rational”. And when I speak about what happens at night when fear and dissociation happens and the 5 year old lives the past over and over again…the therapist says to me, “Grace, the rational part of you needs to take charge at night.” Therapist say what? The “rational” part of me needs to take charge of the 5 year old at night and convince her that there is no reason to be afraid and that her fear is not based in “reality” because logically, the ESF is not hurting her and she is safe now?
Um…yes, let’s walk though this together, shall we?
Quite honestly,... »View More
Added Wednesday, March 31, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CrazyBrain, Defiant Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shaking in the dark, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you, depression, dissociation
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So I’ve sort of screwed up with the whole ED (cough) *issue*. Of course it rears its ugly head just as I told PDOC that I would “be good” and try really hard not to excessively vomit. As she says, “Everyone throws up sometimes, Grace.” It seems to me that that rebellious teenager just takes that as a challenge and then rebels against the “orders”. I’m not very good at controlling her. As crazy as it sounds, there are times I will find myself on the bathroom floor heaving what’s left of the latte I consumed just hours before without really knowing how I got there. To be fair, I realize “we” are all the same person, so I accept responsibility for those instances, and I have, and will continue, to honestly... »View More
Added Tuesday, March 9, 2010
in Defiant Grace, ED, Grace's Thoughts, I hate DBT, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Therapist, dissociation
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Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine (Ms. Lynn) and we were discussing the different therapeutic techniques offered and how we tend to fall back into protective/rage mode when smacked with something that feels retraumatizing to us. For example, as I expressed to my therapist, when she mentions anything that resembles DBT to me, I automatically want to lash out at her because I feel like she FORCED me to go to DBT and I found it to be a misuse of her therapeutic power and retraumatizing to me. And so now, when she offers, or even SAYS something that PAG takes in as a DBT term, the fight is on and the walls go up. My friend has her own experiences with this as well.
The purpose of the conversation between my friend and I was NOT... »View More
Added Tuesday, March 2, 2010
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I hate DBT, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Therapist
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GRACE IS A PRACTICAL VALENTINE: I took this quiz “What kind of valentine are you” (I’d post the link but the quiz is well, stupid, so I won’t) ~ anyway, it said I was a “practical valentine”, specifically this: To be honest, you think Valentine’s Day is a pretty silly holiday. You don’t need anything at all. And if you’re going to get a gift, it might as well be practical. At least you could use a gift card to buy what you want. What you really would like for Valentine’s Day is a relationship where you’re good to each other every day of the year. That means more to you than eating your weight in chocolate or getting flowers that just die in a few days. YES! Exactly! ... »View More
Added Sunday, February 14, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Now that's just funny
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