I internalized all the bad things they said to me. I hear them, I feel them. But I don’t feel the good. That’s it in a nutshell. I watch the “good” Grace from outside of this body and I don’t know her, I don’t see her as part of me. I have no idea who she is even though she is “me”. Instead I carry around this sense of ‘badness’ that was drilled into my head for so many years: You are bad. You will never be anything. You are worthless. You are an evil whore. You are unlovable. No one will ever care about you. And I see that as the “real” Grace. I believed those things and I built walls to keep people out so they would not see the “real” me…the badness.
But I still see that girl. ... »View More
Added Tuesday, September 7, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, I see dead people...again, Pain is Pain, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, depression
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Added Tuesday, September 7, 2010
in Actual Conversation, Bitch-slapped by the universe, CB rant you should ignore, ED, PDOC, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio..., suicide
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I felt tired and empty and aching and oh.so.alone in this struggle. Life is so damn painful sometimes and yet we still are supposed to stay here, people are still “counting” on us to put on a happy face and carry on with our head and chin rasied! NO! You must not deter from LIVING even in the face of Hurricane Earl and gale-force winds that tear through your body and blacken your soul.
I walk on this path where madness and insanity are the only stepping stones. And the voices get louder with each step I take. They speak in familiar tones telling me how much I am hated, loathed, despised, unlovable. And I know…I know how close I come…when my vision becomes wavy and the voices grow louder and the counting begins…Everyone... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 31, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, Bitter is the new black, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Now even I hate me, Shame, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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Yesterday, I told the therapist that I wrote a letter to my children and when she asked me what the letter said and I said I wasn’t sure but it was in “draft” form on my laptop. The therapist thought it might be a good idea for me to go back and read what I wrote.
This is it with some minor changes:
Dear 11 year old & 8 year old:
I have loved you from the first minute I knew you existed. I watch you play and learn and grow and I marvel at your intelligence and independence. I sometimes wonder if you watch me the way I watch you. And I wonder when you are grown what you will remember about your childhood and about me.
Sadly the memories of my childhood are mostly of my mother and her depression and abusive relationship... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 31, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, Now even I hate me, Pain is Pain, Woe is me, depression
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Added Sunday, August 29, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CB rant you should ignore, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, I have bad genes, I see dead people...again, Post I will prob'ly delete tomorrow, Repeat the trauma, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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That wasn’t what I ordered! I hate crazy…and now I am surrounded by it and I have to eat it, and breathe it, and smell it…and live with it. And I am angry. I am bitter. I am sad. I am resentful. I have completely misplaced my gratitude and I am searching for it, looking around for it, yelling for it. I have stapled *LOST* have you seen me?* signs in all the grocery store bulletin boards, taken out an ad on Craigslist. And. I. Can’t. Find. It. This weakness, this craving for normalcy, this wretched self-pity and loathing, this “Why the hell don’t I get to be like everybody else?”…it has brought me to my knees, and I have forgotten who I am.
Hopelessness has slammed into me and thrown its suffocating weight on top of me. It is... »View More
Added Sunday, August 29, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, I can't breathe, I have bad genes, Now even I hate me, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
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I’m having a “I feel really icky in my own body” thing going on now. Like I want to take ten showers and layer myself in ten layers of clothing (on this awesomely hot 95 degree day) to keep everyone else from seeing the ickiness. I don’t like my body.
I feel disconnected from me and the world. Sometimes the therapist calls it spacing out. It feels like I’m typing this through someone else. I’m here, but not here…watching my fingers move but I don’t really recognize them as being my hands. Where do I go? Sometimes I can remember but sometimes I can’t. Last night I don’t remember. I woke up at 1:57am and I remember thinking, I’m pretty sure I’m dead. I couldn’t move. Disconnected…I couldn’t feel... »View More
Added Saturday, August 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Because I said so-that's why, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Host Body is a Bitch, Humiliation, Now even I hate me, Repeat the trauma, Scalpel please, Shaking in the dark, Therapist, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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Bout what you ask? Bout the last conversation with the therapist. The one where she said I didn’t have to take the MWB’s card, or call her. I lied. I lied about the therapist “hearing” and “caring” enough to understand we could never ever ever (in a bazillion years) call that dbtmarshalovingfatbitch. That conversation never happened. I wish it would’ve. But it didn’t.
I even asked a couple of friends if I was being too sensitive or “enraged” about the *back up* T situation…and everyone said no. My admin said she thinks the therapist does shit like that on purpose, my friend P said therapist should know how I feel about that bitch, my friend L said, “Whatheff….Therapist would have been better off picking... »View More
Added Friday, August 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, Invalidation, Just leave already!, Now even I hate me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shame, Therapist, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
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Tonight I walk a dreadfully narrow & fragile tight rope and there often there is no safety net beneath me. And as such, a slight wind will often make me stumble and fall right back into the cavernous black hole that I spent a significant amount of time climbing out of. I used to be so thick skinned, but my skin seems to have been scoured into a transparent epidermis that now barely covers my flesh. And I don’t know why words seem to rip right through that now clear layer of covering and sear through the sensitive tissue beneath. But they do, and just like that, I am back in a place where I feel like I must punish myself. And I want to feel the pain externally on my body because the interpretations of the verbal words I hear resonate through... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Host Body is a Bitch, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation, self-injury
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Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. I am worn out, emotionally and physically. Sometimes the burden of “keeping myself safe” is too heavy. It is asking too much of me to “manage” all of follies, the nightmares, the triggers, the shame, the embarrassment, the rage – the internal voices who scream and cry and rage…all with no support. It is too much! And trying to avoid all of that shit is like avoiding breathing, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now. Something has to give. There is only so much one person can deal with day in and day out every single day and night! There is only so much!
I am not equipped to handle an entire Pie of Crazy.
The therapist... »View More
Added Sunday, August 22, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CB rant you should ignore, CSA, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, I should drink more, Just leave already!, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Now even I hate me, Shame, Therapist, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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