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I felt tired and empty and aching and oh.so.alone in this struggle. Life is so damn painful sometimes and yet we still are supposed to stay here, people are still “counting” on us to put on a happy face and carry on with our head and chin rasied! NO! You must not deter from LIVING even in the face of Hurricane Earl and gale-force winds that tear through your body and blacken your soul. I walk on this path where madness and insanity are the only stepping stones. And the voices get louder with each step I take. They speak in familiar tones telling me how much I am hated, loathed, despised, unlovable. And I know…I know how close I come…when my vision becomes wavy and the voices grow louder and the counting begins…Everyone... »View More
Like really afraid? I do. Every single night I feel like I am being hunted, sought after, prey. I never relax. I never sleep soundly. I startle at the wind blowing through the blinds. I constantly look around, trying to find the danger, trying to anticipate where the attack will come from. It will come. Have you ever been hunted like game? Have you ever been caught and attacked by the hunter? If you haven’t had the pleasure you don’t really know fear. I watch a lot of scary movies… a lot. That’s what it feels like for me at night. HERE. IN.MY.REAL.LIFE.NIGHTS…not a movie. You know in those movies where you scream at the woman not to go into that room, not to go outside, not to open that door? And you watch... »View More
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I’m having a “I feel really icky in my own body” thing going on now. Like I want to take ten showers and layer myself in ten layers of clothing (on this awesomely hot 95 degree day) to keep everyone else from seeing the ickiness. I don’t like my body. I feel disconnected from me and the world. Sometimes the therapist calls it spacing out. It feels like I’m typing this through someone else. I’m here, but not here…watching my fingers move but I don’t really recognize them as being my hands. Where do I go? Sometimes I can remember but sometimes I can’t. Last night I don’t remember. I woke up at 1:57am and I remember thinking, I’m pretty sure I’m dead. I couldn’t move. Disconnected…I couldn’t feel... »View More
Tonight I walk a dreadfully narrow & fragile tight rope and there often there is no safety net beneath me. And as such, a slight wind will often make me stumble and fall right back into the cavernous black hole that I spent a significant amount of time climbing out of. I used to be so thick skinned, but my skin seems to have been scoured into a transparent epidermis that now barely covers my flesh. And I don’t know why words seem to rip right through that now clear layer of covering and sear through the sensitive tissue beneath. But they do, and just like that, I am back in a place where I feel like I must punish myself. And I want to feel the pain externally on my body because the interpretations of the verbal words I hear resonate through... »View More
But I have to warn you, it’s bland and tepid in here now. I’ve nothing to share now to charm you with my wit. I’ve no interesting statistics to impress you with my intellect. There are no good stores…nothing compelling. Only misery, deep, vast, endless pain. I’m really not well. The demons inside my head continue to scream and eventually they will tear me to pieces. There is nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that. The nightmares are horrendous, the shame unspeakable. My jaw aches, my hips ache, my head aches. I am really not well. The all-consuming parts of me have drowned out the logical adult Grace and she is nowhere to be found. If I could only identify where in my body these unspeakable parts reside,... »View More
Life is not running smoothly at the moment. I feel alone, directionless and desperate. I am worn out, emotionally and physically. Sometimes the burden of “keeping myself safe” is too heavy. It is asking too much of me to “manage” all of follies, the nightmares, the triggers, the shame, the embarrassment, the rage – the internal voices who scream and cry and rage…all with no support. It is too much! And trying to avoid all of that shit is like avoiding breathing, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now. Something has to give. There is only so much one person can deal with day in and day out every single day and night! There is only so much! I am not equipped to handle an entire Pie of Crazy. The therapist... »View More
I am not sure who or where I am. It appears as though my gravitational pull toward si/sui is not something I am able to resist. The child’s safety net is gone and no one else can cope with that. I need an escape route because the urge to self-destruct is intensely powerful and everything is pointless and I am worthless and this is just way too hard. Once again shit is happening when I’m not here and I’m not around to stop it…left only to try to piece it all together when I return. I have stopped checking my “sent” file in my email box because I have not sent any emails (other than the occasional scheduling change) to the therapist …until last week. I wasn’t aware that I sent anything to her until she referenced the... »View More
This post is set to self destruct in T-10Ds…as am I. I should also warn you that it this is a very insane crazybrain ranting that you should ignore altogether. I, on the other hand, cannot ignore it, since it is happening INSIDE OF ME! Oh how I wish it were not so…. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes methodically cutting vicodin and seroquel in half and listening to this fucking new-age relaxation music and I cannot relax. Go figure! Long ago I scrounged up the money I needed to purchase some emotional armor and some bricks. I used those bricks to build a safehouse for my soul. Protection ~ a soul-fortress. I knew that inside that fortress there was damage, and that the emotional armor was only going to work for... »View More