I felt tired and empty and aching and oh.so.alone in this struggle. Life is so damn painful sometimes and yet we still are supposed to stay here, people are still “counting” on us to put on a happy face and carry on with our head and chin rasied! NO! You must not deter from LIVING even in the face of Hurricane Earl and gale-force winds that tear through your body and blacken your soul.
I walk on this path where madness and insanity are the only stepping stones. And the voices get louder with each step I take. They speak in familiar tones telling me how much I am hated, loathed, despised, unlovable. And I know…I know how close I come…when my vision becomes wavy and the voices grow louder and the counting begins…Everyone... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 31, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, Bitter is the new black, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Now even I hate me, Shame, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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I’m having a “I feel really icky in my own body” thing going on now. Like I want to take ten showers and layer myself in ten layers of clothing (on this awesomely hot 95 degree day) to keep everyone else from seeing the ickiness. I don’t like my body.
I feel disconnected from me and the world. Sometimes the therapist calls it spacing out. It feels like I’m typing this through someone else. I’m here, but not here…watching my fingers move but I don’t really recognize them as being my hands. Where do I go? Sometimes I can remember but sometimes I can’t. Last night I don’t remember. I woke up at 1:57am and I remember thinking, I’m pretty sure I’m dead. I couldn’t move. Disconnected…I couldn’t feel... »View More
Added Saturday, August 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Because I said so-that's why, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Host Body is a Bitch, Humiliation, Now even I hate me, Repeat the trauma, Scalpel please, Shaking in the dark, Therapist, This post is inadmissible in court, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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Tonight I walk a dreadfully narrow & fragile tight rope and there often there is no safety net beneath me. And as such, a slight wind will often make me stumble and fall right back into the cavernous black hole that I spent a significant amount of time climbing out of. I used to be so thick skinned, but my skin seems to have been scoured into a transparent epidermis that now barely covers my flesh. And I don’t know why words seem to rip right through that now clear layer of covering and sear through the sensitive tissue beneath. But they do, and just like that, I am back in a place where I feel like I must punish myself. And I want to feel the pain externally on my body because the interpretations of the verbal words I hear resonate through... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Host Body is a Bitch, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation, self-injury
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The grandparents adopted the host body when she was 8 years old. The host body’s bio father left her alcoholic bio mother with 6 kids and no income and the children were take away from her. Oh, the irony. That just hit me right this minute as I type this…that she was taken away from her mother when she was 8 years old and the host body and my bio father left my older brother and I alone in an apartment in Immokalee, Florida when we were 21 months and 6 months old, respectively, for 3 days while they were picking oranges and boozing it up. My brother and I were found by a catholic church member who happened to see my brother J hanging out of the 3rd floor apartment window. But we were not taken away from them. We were returned to them to... »View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Host Body is a Bitch, I have bad genes, child abuse
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Dreamed about the therapist all night last night, like one of those nights where you dream, wake up, fall back asleep and continue in the same dream. Obviously I know why I dreamed about the therapist…the “abandonment” threat level currently being *red* and all, but there were other people in the dreams, too. Some of them I think I get the significance of their presence, others I’m not so sure.
Dreams with the therapist in them are rare. From what I can remember, this is only the third time she’s appeared in my dreams. The first time was over 3 years ago and I was walking around the block by her office and a man started chasing me…I called the therapist and she didn’t answer her phone. The second dream with the therapist... »View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Gracie Cries, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Just leave already!, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why can't you hear the screaming?, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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Yesterday in session when I told the therapist that I was nervous about her vacation because I depend on her for support right now, she’s a big life-line for me – and she said, “Well, maybe we shouldn’t talk until after my vacation.” And it really hurt my feelings because of course the neon sign starts flashing “ABANDONMENT”. And I was all, “WTH, that’s the answer? To not talk from now to then so I can get used to your being gone before you’re gone??” But maybe she’s right. Maybe this is one of those, “Grace, I’m doing this for your own good, things.” And maybe it’s best for her too, if we don’t talk, if she doesn’t know how I “feel”. Yes, the more that I think about it…the more... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 17, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Host Body is a Bitch, I can't breathe, I have bad genes, Now even I hate me, Shaking in the dark, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, Why should I trust you, depression, sui-sui-suidio...
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She never stopped crying…and I am sick. Secrets too terrible to be spoken…every part of my mind and body are aching. His words mock me, constantly repeating in my mind. He is dead and I am still haunted, tortured , paralyzed with fear. My body is so sore and not just physically…poison is eating me from the inside out. It is so not okay to be me right now.
I exist in two places at once now. The hus has suddenly stumbled upon some newly found sexual energy and as I am spending most nights in a past filled with hell, he wants to spend most nights with me, in the present…like every night. And the problem is I can’t be there or here because the lines get blurred. I’m all over the place. And it usually doesn’t... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 17, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Gracie Cries, Humiliation, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Shame, Stop...I want off!, Tread lightly on this one, dissociation, sex
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…I still haven’t had that drink! Or a lollipop !
ok- now I was going to try to make this funny ‘cept now I remember the ESF referencing lollipops and oral sex. shit! Not even innocent little Shirley Temple and freakin’ candy is immune to my crazybrain! That sucks! Shit! That’s bad too!
It’s a REALLY REALLY bad night here…like apparently the therapist is wrong when she says all this *bliss* and *support* is right at my finger tips…because I could NOT feel more alone and self-destructive. Oh, wait, she wasn’t wrong…I just suck! Shit! Again with the word play!
Shit! I FAIL on the FUNNYness tonight!!! Maybe there’s some humor in my damn bag of “cope”. ... »View More
Added Monday, August 16, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CB rant you should ignore, CrazyBrain, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, I see dead people...again, I should drink more, Now even I hate me, Post I will prob'ly delete tomorrow, Scalpel please, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Stop...I want off!, depression, dissociation, sui-sui-suidio...
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Therapist is leaving for vacation AGAIN…for 2 weeks this time. I had a huge panic attack on Wednesday night and called her all freaked out. (EMBARRASSING!) What are you afraid of, Grace? What are you afraid of? She was all therapisty and tried to calm me down in her calm therapeutic therapist voice. But it didn’t help the 5 year old. She is still paralyzed with fear. She cries all the time. And it isn’t getting any better.
What are you so afraid of, Gracie? She shouldn’t be allowed to take 3 weeks off out of 6 weeks! That isn’t fair! It isn’t fair! She’s leaving me here in hell, with him, and it isn’t fair! And I’m afraid. She was just gone! And she won’t have a phone. For 2 weeks! ... »View More
Added Friday, August 13, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, I can't breathe, Living in Lonesome Town, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, depression, dissociation
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Today the therapist said “we really need to do some body/grounding work to help with the body crud…” and I know that – but I don’t get it. And it feels weird and embarrassing and I don’t get it. I don’t get it. And I’m scared because I can’t do another night. I can’t. So that voice, the one who has given up, the one who has nothing left, is screaming inside my head, “I can’t do another night. I can’t do another night. I can’t get through another night. I can’t live through another night.” I am surprised the therapist cannot hear the screaming inside my head, but obviously she couldn’t because she is asking, over and over, “What are you thinking right now.” I CANT GET THROUGH... »View More
Added Friday, August 6, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, dissociation
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