IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN
These words flow like demons; incinerating my finger tips?,needles, slowly injecting?me…leaving a permanent scar of failure.
I am now empty of the passion I once felt. It is nothing but raw blackness.
How many years since I have felt alive. 5? 10? 20? Do I even know how alive feels?
The inner workings of my mind. Shameful thoughts flow like a waterfall. Continuous…fluid… elusive.
The clock clicks unvariably like a metronome beating in my right ear.
Repetitively, repetitively, signifying nothing but the waste of minutes irreplaceable yet inapplicable to the soul that never rests.
A body with ears that do not absorb the smells swirling violently in the air. Eyes... »View More
Added Saturday, August 28, 2010
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Added Friday, August 27, 2010
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The past week as I have been wallowing in self pity and shame the therapist has been attempting to give me some tips on how to effectively manage the internal war and how to care for that stupid bratty kid in her absensce. Good and useful tips too, not your usual bullshit.
Like, for example, it’s probably a good idea for the 5 year old to hide during her stay at Susan Smith’s daycare in case of an *accidental* drowning. Talk and *soothe* that bitch sweet kid when when she *cries* for the therapist – can someone hand me a razor pacie and blankie to take care of that whiny bratty bitch sweet innocent little girl?
And she also said, “Life is short…Play Hard!” (Or maybe that was Nike…I’m... »View More
Added Thursday, August 26, 2010
in Because I said so-that's why, Bitter is the new black, DBT is NOT Therapy, Does this post make my ass look big?, Grace's Thoughts, Host Body is a Bitch, I should drink more, I unapologize, Invalidation, Just leave already!, Lemonade is Sour and it Sux, Marsha is a cult leader, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), RED HOT RAGE!, Scalpel please, Shame, Therapist
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I can see the freak-out monster in my peripheral vision; it frightens me and now I can move only my eyes but not the rest of my head, or my body. I want to be disconnected from my body tonight and yet try as I might; I still feel the churning in my stomach, the pounding ache on the left side of my head, the pain of my hips being ripped apart. I feel the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest. It is difficult to keep my eyes open and impossible to take a deep breath.
She has cried non-stop all night. Even in bed, huddled in the corner, far away from the door and wrapped tightly in her blue blanket and surrounded by pillows, she shook and cried. She cries in fear and pain. She cries about sticky humiliating smelly messes. She cries... »View More
Added Monday, August 23, 2010
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I had a terrible night last night (more on that later) and so I decided I wouldn’t get out of bed today. Easy to pull off as the hus is feeling pretty bad about my mangled foot from his bottle of tequila trying to kill me. So I stayed in bed, reading and spacing and semi-sleeping and I wondered what would happen…
Sometimes I think I’m the one who holds this household together (pompous self-aborbed woman!) and so I wondered if anything would get done today if I didn’t get up and do it, or at least direct it. And I’m happy to report that for reasons I shouldn’t speak of, I am both relieved and happy to say that the fam exceeded my expectations.
The hus walked the dog early and then sorted and started... »View More
Added Saturday, August 21, 2010
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The grandparents adopted the host body when she was 8 years old. The host body’s bio father left her alcoholic bio mother with 6 kids and no income and the children were take away from her. Oh, the irony. That just hit me right this minute as I type this…that she was taken away from her mother when she was 8 years old and the host body and my bio father left my older brother and I alone in an apartment in Immokalee, Florida when we were 21 months and 6 months old, respectively, for 3 days while they were picking oranges and boozing it up. My brother and I were found by a catholic church member who happened to see my brother J hanging out of the 3rd floor apartment window. But we were not taken away from them. We were returned to them to... »View More
Added Thursday, August 19, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Host Body is a Bitch, I have bad genes, child abuse
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Added Tuesday, August 17, 2010
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Added Monday, August 16, 2010
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I feel stunningly depressed…really, like rock bottom is above me now. You know that moment when you can “feel” and you have minimal recollection of what happened the night before and you try and try to quell the tidal wave of panic that is threatening to drown you and then you wish you were still in that place where you were unable to feel? Yeah, that’s where I’ve been today, well, it’s where I’ve been for awhile now.
I hate Fridays…
I talked to the therapist last night – but I don’t remember what she said. I don’t remember her words or her tone or anything at all. I wish I could remember. I hope I didn’t make her mad. I have that deep feeling of despair in the pit of my stomach today. If you’ve... »View More
Added Saturday, August 14, 2010
in Are you there God? it's me again, Bitch-slapped by the universe, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, I can't breathe, I see dead people...again, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why can't you hear the screaming?, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror, sui-sui-suidio...
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Therapist is leaving for vacation AGAIN…for 2 weeks this time. I had a huge panic attack on Wednesday night and called her all freaked out. (EMBARRASSING!) What are you afraid of, Grace? What are you afraid of? She was all therapisty and tried to calm me down in her calm therapeutic therapist voice. But it didn’t help the 5 year old. She is still paralyzed with fear. She cries all the time. And it isn’t getting any better.
What are you so afraid of, Gracie? She shouldn’t be allowed to take 3 weeks off out of 6 weeks! That isn’t fair! It isn’t fair! She’s leaving me here in hell, with him, and it isn’t fair! And I’m afraid. She was just gone! And she won’t have a phone. For 2 weeks! ... »View More
Added Friday, August 13, 2010
in Bitch-slapped by the universe, CrazyBrain, Dear Insiders: Stop bothering me!, ESF (evil step-father), Flashback Follies, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Gracie Cries, I can't breathe, Living in Lonesome Town, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Shit! I attached to my feelings, Therapist, depression, dissociation
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