I feel Hopeless and Hopeful
I research and read and digest and research some more, and I have come to the conclusion that there isn’t a psychologist or psychiatrist alive, or dead, that can repair the lifetime of damage caused by childhood abuse. And that knowledge has changed my view of the expectations on this process, ‘my expectations’. This new found knowledge makes me feel both hopeless and hopeful. Hopeless in the sense that I feel as though I have some sort of terminal illness, and hopeful because I believe that someday I, personally, will make a difference somehow. I can almost pinpoint the day when I fell into the dark abyss and was encouraged by a friend to go back into therapy. We had rented a cabin in the Rocky... »View More
Added Saturday, February 28, 2009
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Am I Willing to Take that Chance?
I called out: both verbally and non-verbally.
I was SCREAMING! But no one seemed to hear me. Not even DT…she now saw only the symptoms, the behavior, not the underlying problem. The approach now was to STOP THE BLEED! A tourniquet approach. And I thought to myself, well, if she can’t help me, no one can, so I thought about giving up. I decided that I couldn’t take it, especially alone. I had no strength left, no coach to cheer me on…maybe I could just fade away.I think my erratic, self-destructive behavior scared my dear therapist. Imagine, a therapist, one trained in this process, scared. And the fear led her to seek shelter, so to speak, to seek support from other clinicians, to alleviate the fear... »View More
Added Friday, February 27, 2009
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Forgive~ Sounds Good…they say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting…
Come and share with me, allow me to show you a piece of myself when I trusted another, and then a piece of me after that trust was broken, shattered. Come and experience the vulnerability, the body memories, intrusive thoughts, the isolation and hopelessness… and the shame! Imagine you have someone to walk with you, beside you, someone you have learned to trust ~ and after a the two of you walk side by side for several long miles, you finally allow yourself to take off the mask and be who you are, you share pieces of yourself that you wouldn’t share with another, and you finally feel accepted.
Then, imagine one day that person is gone. Well, she... »View More
Added Thursday, February 26, 2009
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MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA
I seem to have a lot of animosity directed toward Marsha Linehan. I think this animosity is a result of several things.
First, and foremost, I don’t agree with DBT. I think it’s basically an expensive way to teach people to shut up and behave by utilizing basic common sense techniques, and adding philosophy and theology – filled with riddles and contradictions. And I find it almost funny, in a ‘DBT half-smile’ kind of way, that Ms. Linehan was never abused, never married, never had children, and was a NUN. And she’s going to teach me how to deal with “pressure”? Come on! I suppose it’s easy for her to “mindfully” wash a dish since she lives alone, I mean, she’s as dry as a bone that has been aged... »View More
Added Thursday, February 26, 2009
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Can You Spare a Life Jacket?
Here is a brief summary of how I think the last year played out:Grace will need to learn to trust DT before she will feel safe. DT will make Grace feel safe by ‘being present’ for Grace, by developing a level of ‘dependency’ so Grace will realize that DT is a ‘permanent object’ and will not abandon Grace.
THEN:
Grace now trusts DT, but by working through things, Grace has begun to exhibit self destructive behavior that made DT change her approach~ however, ‘new approach’ was not explained to Grace. DT takes Grace on a cruise to the middle of the ocean, and unbeknownst to Grace, who still trusts DT, other plans are now in the works. Grace is thrown from the ship into the tumultuous water, and as Grace... »View More
Added Thursday, February 26, 2009
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The Broken Little Girl Saved My Life That Day
The measure of a man, or woman in my case, comes down to one brief moment: the moment that would determine whether or not I would, or even could, swallow the pills I had counted out. To take them or not to take them was in my court, and even though I held the ball, I was quickly losing the game.
A remnant of a dream I once had when I was a little girl briefly fluttered through my disassociated mind. I was once a child with dreams and aspirations; I wasn’t always this hopeless woman who had lost faith in everything, including those in the helping profession. This is help? This was what they had to offer me? This is the treatment plan? A therapist who seemed to no longer care, one psychiatrist who... »View More
Added Wednesday, February 25, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark, dissociation, suicide
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When Will We Stop Turning our Heads…
I feel it inside me, and although it remains hidden from plain sight due to the medication, it is always there. And I find myself questioning the ‘professionals’ who treat CSA survivors. I have researched – read article after article, book after book. And the only book I have read that adequately describes the after effects of abuse is the book “Women who hurt themselves” by Dr. Dusty Miller – Not surprising, Dr. Miller is a CSA survivor, therefore has a personal perspective to offer in addition to a clinical one. I am so sick and tired of the *standard* treatment protocol – Patient needs medication and DBT. No one ever gets that there are these crazy, irrational people inside of me,... »View More
Added Monday, February 23, 2009
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Dear Therapist,
Tonight when I arrived @ DBT, “emotional counselor” was reading the book, ‘Women who hurt themselves’, and she said it was a great book, and really gave her a different perspective on women who SH. I mentioned the book during the ‘assessment/interview’ the first time we met. I don’t know if you have read the book I gave you, or not, but I was happy to hear another clinician validating my thoughts about the book. I still don’t agree with the concept of DBT, and Marsha’s voice, or the sight of her – like fingernails down a blackboard. But I wanted to tell you that you were right, about my broadening my support network (clinically speaking) – I really do like both PDOCand Emotional Counselor. I’m glad you... »View More
Added Monday, February 23, 2009
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Dear Therapist ~ I’ve known you for 3 years, but I don’t think we’ve met…
My heart is an organ that pumps blood through my veins…it is NOT a room for my “inner child” to live in. And no, I cannot see, or hear “little Grace” talking or sitting beside me, and no – I will not comfort her or let her sit on my lap. I will not do those things because she is not here. “Little Grace” does not exist – I cannot see her, or hear her – she used to exist, but she grew up and became me, “BIG Grace”, “Adult Grace” – and honestly, I like the Adult Grace much better….big improvement. And “little Grace” doesn’t live in my heart
If someone asks ME,... »View More
Added Sunday, February 22, 2009
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The Pink Leather Journal
Pink is my favorite color. Yes, I confess ~ I am a very ‘girly-girl’. Now I never believed in fairy tales, or wishing on a falling star…. I knew at a very early edge that glass slippers and fairy godmothers and princes on white horses never existed. But I love pink, I love high heels and purses ~ and I love dressing my daughter in the frilly clothes I always wanted as a child, but never had.
I also love to journal. Writing, for me, is cathartic. To put my thoughts on paper, it somehow makes me feel better, kind of the same feeling I used to get from purging (probably a bad example ~ but fitting for me). I have filled journal after journal the past few years writing my thoughts, poems, letters to myself, my mother,... »View More
Added Saturday, February 21, 2009
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