I hurt myself today. It had been just over 3 months.
I had a terrible phone conversation with DT and I still feel like her new process is hurtful. I talked to her while sitting in the waiting room for DBT class. After I hung up the phone, very distraught, not that she gives a flying fuck, I went into the public ladies room and slammed the door on my arm a few times. It didn’t bring the kind of pain I needed so I was scouring the room looking for something to hurt myself with. Finally, I remembered I carry a small pair of scissors in my purse and I took them out, pulled down my jeans and cut 3 – 4″ gashes in my thigh. And once the blood began to flow out of my leg, I started to feel my breathing slow back to normal.
It wasn’t... »View More
Added Monday, March 30, 2009
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, I hate DBT, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), self-injury
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You think you *know* me? You will NEVER *know* ME!
You may think you know me, but you have no idea. You don’t know the real me. Me, who has no feelings, who feels no pain, me, who does not love. You don’t know the me who survives despite the struggle not to. I will punish myself, I will take everything I have and make it disappear…far away from me because I can’t be trusted not to cave in emotionally. I am empty. I want to be emptier, to feel nothing, to feel even less than nothing, to disappear, and this time I will NOT BE AFRAID when it hurts because hurt has power over me. I want to feel pain, to hurt, a reminder of the fact that I do not fucking need anyone but myself to take care of me. I will make myself disappear.
I have been... »View More
Added Saturday, March 28, 2009
in ED, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick)
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The Voices Violated the Restraining Order!
A few months ago, I thought PDOC was a miracle worker. Finally, I thought, I’ve received the combination of drugs that will stop the voices, calm the storm and allow me to live a ‘normal’ life. A life free of the flashbacks of the past. A mind void of the ever present chatter of those that dwell within. I was singing praises for Lamical! I wanted to do a commercial, post it on a billboard, “Grace has been cured of mental illness, thanks to Lamictal, the wonder drug!”
But a few weeks ago the internal voices returned. What? I had taken out a restraining order against them in the form of a pill. They weren’t allowed to be within 500 feet of me! They whisper to me now,... »View More
Added Friday, March 27, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts
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Thank you for showing me the light!
Dear Therapist,
I’m not good. I’m scared and angry and I hurt from the inside out…but I know it isn’t your fault. I know you can’t be here with me now, in this moment of pain. I know I can’t depend on you to help me, outside of “our scheduled time” together. And so I just have to hurt. It isn’t your fault, it isn’t my fault. But that doesn’t change the fact that this hurts like hell! But I’m not mad at you. It’s just that I can’t handle the darkness… the darkness is when the demons come and carry me away. It’s in the dark that I feel him, smell him, hear him and there’s no escape. And as much as you may negate my next statement, I know in my heart that it’s true: it helped... »View More
Added Friday, March 27, 2009
in Cyber-Hugs, I can do it by myself, Nod if you can hear me, Repeat the trauma, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why can't you hear the screaming?, Why should I trust you
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Why can’t I “feel” what she says? Why don’t I believe it?
On of my best friends said this to me:
“I don’t know how to say this to you. I can say the words, but they won’t mean anything to you. It’s not that you won’t believe it, it’s that you CAN’T, and I don’t know how to take you from here to there. I’ll say it anyway because there’s nothing else I can do.
What you “allowed” people to do to you…you have to be in control of a situation to allow something to happen. You weren’t in control. Other people were controlling YOU. You didn’t allow anything ,these things were done TO you, regardless of your won will, your own character.... »View More
Added Friday, March 27, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself
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Each day…I defeat you!
Each morning I wake
Each day I live
Each night I sleep
Is one more day that I defeat you!
Each moment through this fear
Each step that I take here
Is one more way you lose a part of me ~
A part of me that you stole!
Each time I take back a part
Each time I repair something you broke
Is one more what I show myself that I will not be beaten!
My heart continues to beat,
Blood continues to pump through my veins
And each day I continue this journey
Every single day I breathe…
Is one more way I defeat you!
Posted by Grace at 10:09 AM
Labels: Grace’s thoughts, poem
2 comments:
Just Be Real said…Amen! Powerful words to regain what was lost.
Friday, March 27, 2009 4:41:00 PM MDT
Saving Grace... »View More
Added Thursday, March 26, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing, Poetry
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DBT (Yes, again) Inspired by *Little Sheep*
Well, after a virtual conversation with Little Sheep, I have been inspired to share more about my “experience” with DBT.
Anyone who has read my posts about DBT know that I think the benefits of the program are…hum…NONE…well, occasionally, there is some humor involved…I’m still shocked at what people will share about themselves (IRL) with a group of others who don’t even know *last names*!
Anyway, I digress…
I actually connected with 1 group member; basically because she is a *free spirit* and shares a lot of personal information in class, and I do NOT, and so I ask questions based on her examples. She and I could not be more opposite, and I’m sure in real life we would not get along,... »View More
Added Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in DBT is NOT Therapy, I hate DBT, Marsha is a cult leader
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There is this girl…
there
there is
there is this
there is this girl
there is this girl
who
who doesn’t
who doesn’t quite
who doesn’t quite know
who doesn’t quite know how to live
she is unhappy
she is scared
she is weak
she is lonely
she sits
she sits there
she sits there all by herself
she sits there all by herself in the dark
and she’s
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
she’s falling
she’s falling through her mind
through her memories
through her past
through her life
in her mind she is falling
where will she land?
»View More
Added Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in Poetry
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You don’t know me
Admittedly born by mistake
I am an unwanted casualty
Although I prefer to walk alone
Isolation is not an option
If you just understood me
You’d know why I am this way
Take a metaphorical walk in my shoes
How long would you want to stay
My tainted angel wings
Made to bear the weight
A thousand secrets on my shoulders
Put me in a poor psychological state
Apathy is last of my emotions
I don’t ask for your sympathy
Judge me as you will
But don’t pretend for a second you know me
»View More
Added Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in Poetry
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Does God ever give you more than you can handle?
Someone recently said to me, “God does not give you more than you can handle.” That’s really been weighing on my mind, it inches to the surface, and I feel a surge of anger, then it’s tucked back into the back of my mind. Good does not give you more than you can handle? I know my grandma believed that with all of her heart. Week after week, she would pray for the salvation of my mother, my step-father, my brothers and I. Every single night, she was down on her knees praying for redemption, and thanking God for the gifts he has given to her. And she believed it! I admired her strength and her belief in God, because I learned as a small child that God can give you more than you can handle,... »View More
Added Monday, March 23, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing
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