Monday, August 31, 2009
Oh~ My Aching Head….
I’ve had a headache for at least a month…maybe a year! An ache that exists all the time.
Sometimes it’s just a dull nauseating ache, not unbearable, but always “there”. Other times it’s a full blown migraine and it feels like the left side of my head and neck are stuck in a vice that just gets tighter and tighter until my vision begins to blur and it makes me vomit.
I have tried about every migraine medication that has been approved by the FDA~ imitrex, maxalt, midrin, treximet…nothing helps. In fact, after taking prescription migraine medications, the side effects are worse than the migraine itself. So I try to just suffer through them now. But the... »View More
Added Monday, August 31, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts
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Monday, August 31, 2009
NOTICE TO VACATE! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!
Make her shut up!
No one cares!
No one listens!
Make her shut up!!!!
Or I will!
doesn’t she get it by now?
I am trying really hard not to hurt her right now
really hard
but she is pressing it
and its going to happen if she doesnt shut up
»View More
Added Monday, August 31, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts
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Monday, August 31, 2009
GPS is pointing me down the “Dead End Street of Self-Hatred”…
A bottle of white…a bottle of red…perhaps a bottle of rose’ instead…… A bottle of red, a bottle of white…Whatever kind of mood you’re in tonight… Thank you , Billy Joel for the prologue…
I am literally swarming with the urge to hurt myself tonight. My skin feels like bugs are crawling all over me. I’m barely breathing. Right now I am tense. I am frustrated. I am angry. I have a migraine. I feel out of control. I can’t breathe.
What do I hear? I can hear that stupid new Disney movie, Eloise at the Plaza, spoiled brat! I want to grab her by her spoiled blonde curls and hurl her from the Plaza... »View More
Added Monday, August 31, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, TraumaHead
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Thursday, August 27, 2009
I survived! And I never have to live this week again!
I made it through the week of torrential rain and now I’ve had an afternoon & evening of sunshine and flowers. Okay, maybe “sunshine & flowers” is a tiny exaggeration, but it sure feels that way tonight! It has been a week of, well, hell. And I know DT has been frustrated as well, since I’m sure when I find myself in these dark places, feeling like there’s nothing to live for…she feels kind of helpless too. I am SURE I am her most challenging patient. But, just think, if we both survive this, I’ll probably be her biggest success, too.
I spent the weekend in physical turmoil, and then began the week in an emotional... »View More
Added Thursday, August 27, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Therapist, TraumaHead, Tread lightly on this one, self-injury
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Thursday, August 27, 2009
I have rolled out the welcome mat and made hors d’oeuvres for the numbness I feel right now, hoping it will stay awhile.
I have had a headache since I left DT’s office early this afternoon. But I don’t feel “crazy” right now. DT says I’m not crazy, when I tell her I know she thinks I’m crazy, but she just won’t admit it, she says, “I will, again, disagree with your notion that I too think that you are “crazy”. I realize that it feels this way in your mind at times, especially when you have competing beliefs or thoughts that conflict with one another.” But for tonight, I will agree with her. Other than my dull aching head, I feel numb tonight. Which is okay with me…MORE than okay.... »View More
Added Thursday, August 27, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Cyber-Hugs, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Spoiled before the Expiration Date
The “executive” who is nothing but a fucking SHAM in a business suit? I don’t recognize her.
The voices that yell and scream and fight and argue.
The cutting the puking burning the alcohol and the drugs (which OVIOUSLY don’t work or I wouldn’t be awake now)
The family responsibilities ~ believe me, they’re better off without me!
Therapy? Yeah, that’s working. That’s why I spent an hour in the car yelling at the voices, sobbing…yeah, I feel so much better now! Especially since IN THE DARK! DT just walks right by me – gets in her own car and drives off. (I guess I should be used to that by now!) Of course she was “off... »View More
Added Tuesday, August 25, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Invalidation, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression
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Monday, August 24, 2009
another one bites the dust
see, the reason why we tend to kill ourselves is because no one listens.
no one hears
no one understnd
no one will help
so we cant find another way to stop the pain
and so another one bites the dust.
we reached out but no one hears
its okay now
we will work it out
no bother dt
we work it out
it will be okay
»View More
Added Monday, August 24, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Invalidation, Nod if you can hear me, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression, suicide
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Saturday, August 22, 2009
She is in pain because we don’t have the right chair!
My body ached all day Friday leaving me in a constant state of pain, of which I was unable to alleviate. My hips hurt so bad I could barely walk. I tried everything I could think of…heating pad, hot bath, tylonel, stretching, relaxation yoga…to no avail. Nothing worked. And by early evening I felt like I was 5 years old. Full of fear and silently crying because I hurt so bad and was unable to find any relief. And (of course) the 5 year old was crying because she wanted DT (who she seems to think is her ‘good’ mother).
I tried to help but eventually hypochondria set in because the achy hips joints, the lower back pain… happen so often that I started... »View More
Added Saturday, August 22, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation
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Saturday, August 22, 2009
Soothing words and rest can only help…
Unable to cope, we needed direction to handle the overwhelming emotional and physical pain.
DT responded with care and compassion… She makes the 5 year old feel warm and safe…
Grace,
Your physical and emotional pain is so great; I wish that I could take it all away. I wish that you had that special bean bag as you described that you could curl up in and find some piece of comfort or solace. I realize this is email and “far away”, but I can hear you, your tears, and your words as if spoken directly to me. I realize this does not make it go away or make it better. You are courageous soul and when I asked about your physical discomfort TH, it is/was... »View More
Added Saturday, August 22, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Cyber-Hugs, Grace's Thoughts, Gracie felt safe, Therapist
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
“Well, why do you think it went away?” …DUH! Excedrin!
On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being complete waste of my time and money, and 10 being – WOW! I feel like this was an hour well spent….today’s session was a -3.
I was still pissed off about the “…it may feel like there are some pros in engaging in ultra harsh self denigration” comment DT made on Wednesday, so I really didn’t feel like talking today. I didn’t feel like going at all but I didn’t really have a choice since it was too late to cancel.
Following a few moments of silence, that uncomfortable kind of silence of sitting there, starring at each other, wondering who will be the first to speak…
DT says, “How are you feeling?”... »View More
Added Thursday, August 20, 2009
in CrazyBrain, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Invalidation, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Therapist, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you
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