We can’t have you melting down like you did last time…
I am planning a much dreaded trip to see my grandmother over Thanksgiving break. Well, I SHOULD be planning the tip. I want to see my grandma, but that means I have to see the rest of the family too…I have been putting off planning the trip, I have not bought airline tickets, made hotel reservations, or even told anyone, other than my best friend that I’m planning to be in town. I haven’t even looked for a dog-sitter. Once I make the plans and the reservations –then the trip is ‘real’. As long as the arrangements are still incomplete – I don’t have to face it.
And I threw the whole trip, the whole idea that I will have to see the host-body – right into a bucket... »View More
Added Thursday, November 5, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Cyber-Hugs, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Repeat the trauma, Therapist, TraumaHead
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NOTHING can change that…”Everything is as it should be…”
I have officicially taken away all communication access: both email and phone access to PAG and the 5 year old.
I think it’s better to expect nothing. That way anything will feel like everything – I’m not sure what I really mean by that – I can only say it all made sense in my head. On paper – not so much.
It’s so incredibly sad…all of it.
All of “me” and some others like me.
And I renounce all of it: transference, connectedness, dependency.
I swear! It brings nothing but pain and heartache to me – someone who never ever ever ever counted on anyone to ever be there for me! EVER! Then all of a sudden... »View More
Added Thursday, November 5, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Therapist, TraumaHead
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Time to ‘face the music’?
What does that phrase mean anyway?
I don’t feel well tonight…I was ready to crawl back into bed and hide by 10am this morning – after another dreaded dentist appointment – and I have another one tomorrow!
I didn’t sleep last night – I talked to the therapist briefly – then I talked to my dear friend, Lynn - well, she talked, I bawled like a baby…Thank you, by the way, dear friend, for being there for me. And for not abandoning me or letting me succeed in pushing you away last night. I do appreciate you so much!!!
LYNN’S WORDS:
Honey, please talk to me if you can. Can I call you? Will you answer?
I wish I could come there where you are and... »View More
Added Wednesday, November 4, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy
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All EDs must be checked at the gate prior to boarding the flight to “HEALING HAVEN”
For over three weeks I’ve been using all the dental work as an excuse not to eat…it was an easy and convenient excuse. The dental work is now complete so I’ll need to come up with another excuse to offer up to DH for my food avoidance. I know the real reason I won’t eat…not the ‘psychological self destructive/self-invalidation’ stuff –which I have heard the same phrases uttered over and over throughout the years…. Grace doesn’t eat because Grace doesn’t deserve food and it is another way to punish Grace. Yes, it’s very easy to move from one self-destructive behavior pattern to another. And no one can understand my irrational... »View More
Added Wednesday, November 4, 2009
in CrazyBrain, ED, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Repeat the trauma, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, dissociation
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It hurts…and the pain is real
It hurts….and the pain is real. I try to ignore it, push it away, pretend I’ve ‘outgrown’ it…that it doesn’t matter because I don’t need a mother and I never did. And I can do it…push it away because my mother lives 1200 miles away and I have not seen her in nearly 2 years.
But then I receive a text message from my sister-in-law telling me that she is selling my grandmother’s house and is there someone she and my brother should call to pick up the medical equipment still there (how should i know?) My 95 year old grandmother is in the nursing home. And suddenly my SIL’s text message sent me back into the pain of the little girl who wanted…NEEDED... »View More
Added Wednesday, November 4, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Living in Lonesome Town
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Growing up no one ever cared if I lived or died…
All night last night, and all morning today , I struggled with the idea of seeing the therapist today. For over three weeks I’ve really kept her in the bucket – and I was afraid one of two things would happen when we met:
1. The 5 year old would cry because she missed her so much and she got to see her and talk to her
2. The angry teenager would be so defensive about the flying nun and DBT tactics that we would both end up angry and I would end up hurting myself out of frustration.
Early this afternoon my friend LG reminded me that the therapist does care, if she didn’t she would have just let me walk out and not communicate to me she was still “here” and still wanted to... »View More
Added Tuesday, November 3, 2009
in Cyber-Hugs, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Therapist
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I do not have “issues” I have VOLUMES
Let me just speak this (and of course probably take it down later when the shuttle lands….)
I am not you. You are not me. I cannot speak for you, judge you, or tell you what you should or should not do as it relates to you and your ‘process’.
But I will no longer be controlled by anyone, nor will I be forced to participate in anything I do not believe in. I will NOT be just another pathetic sheep following the herd! I will not eat another bowl of onions! And should you choose to go and live on the compound of Shut Up and behave or become a Buddist Monk – feel free – I’ll throw you a going away party but I will NOT join you!
I can ‘manage’... »View More
Added Monday, November 2, 2009
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, Grace's Thoughts, I hate DBT, Marsha is a cult leader, Survivors against DBT & the Nun, TraumaHead
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