Grace, shut up and go fix me a cheese quesadilla!
I don’t understand how I can sleep for 3 days straight and then not sleep for 3 days. Plagued by nightmares from about 3am (when I finally went to sleep) and 7am when I decided it wasn’t even worth trying to rest. I dreamed of his hands…big and calloused, creeping out from under my bed and hurting me…his hard cold eyes staring through me. Fear was running through me like a river.
At 7:00am when I gave up on sleeping, I decided to take a bath to try to wash the filth from my body. I don’t know why I thought that I would be able to feel clean today, since I haven’t been able to accomplish that in over 30 years. I lay in the bathtub watching the skin on my thighs turn from a milky white... »View More
Added Thursday, December 31, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Living in Lonesome Town, Therapist
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“I hose (hold) you mama. I hose you…”
When my son was little and he wanted me to hold him he would say to me, “I hose you mama, I hose you….” …and he would hold his arms out to me and wait for me to pick him up. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and we were talking about what it would be like to actually feel “held” in safe way.
I only remember one time I felt “held” safely, ever, in my entire life…and that was 3 years ago when the therapist held me when I cried. I knew the therapist would never hurt me, I knew that I was *safe* with her…and I’d never felt that way before…nor have I ever felt that way since. I don’t think I... »View More
Added Thursday, December 31, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Living in Lonesome Town, Therapist
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I needed a translater last night…
I know that I have *conditioned* the hus to respond to me the way he does. I have never been the type of person who wanted to be “held” or “comforted”…I don’t like to *cuddle* by the fireplace or curl up on a couch together and watch a movie. I don’t like walk together holding hands and admiring a sunset…It’s just never felt right for me. The hus used to be like that…a long, long time ago…*affectionate*. I didn’t like it. Eventually he realized I wouldn’t respond to him by returning the affection so he stopped trying.
I remember years ago a friend of mine wanted to get married and her BF did not. They were in counseling together and the therapist told them... »View More
Added Thursday, December 31, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Repeat the trauma, sex
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Added Thursday, December 31, 2009
in Gracie Cries, Gracie's Blue Blanket
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“Grace, there’s a difference between being independent and being so self-reliant as to shut people out.” There is?
In my *real* life I tend to pull inside myself when I find myself in a place of fear or pain; much like a turtle hiding inside her shell when she feels threatened. It’s difficult for me to reach out to someone for help, or even just for ‘company’. I don’t feel that way “here” ~ for a couple of reasons, there is, of course, the anonymity factor, but also because I think most people who ‘read’ my blog feel and struggle with much of the same things I do. In my *real* life that isn’t the case.
On Monday I shared the puking in the IHOP parking lot with the therapist, and I told her that I just told... »View More
Added Wednesday, December 30, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, Therapist
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I have learned that I CAN get from here to there without hurting myself…and there is no such thing as “water-proof” mascara
It’s a wonder to me why my heart keeps beating – I see it as a burden most days…I cry, I scream, I grieve, I hurt. I have no idea what happened to my mind; I think perhaps I left it in the freezer behind the frozen blueberries.
I realize everyone has sorrow and hate and rudeness in them and we are all capable of doing things we never thought we would do. And I also understand that we all have kindness in us too, and that’s the part we have to hold tight to when the pain feels all-consuming. I know that life is not fair, or just –and I know that, like last night, even though I... »View More
Added Tuesday, December 29, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Therapist
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Added Monday, December 28, 2009
in Gracie Cries, Gracie's Blue Blanket
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Added Monday, December 28, 2009
in Gracie Cries, Gracie's Blue Blanket
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Once upon a time…there was silence
It hurts ~ that we don’t speak of by GracefullyGrowing featuring Alexander McQueen accessories
Do you know what it’s like to feel trapped? That no matter where you turn there is no way out. The light is gradually sucked out of your life. You live in darkness. At first you are afraid of the dark and the agony, but after a while you get used to it. No matter where you turned, you find only pain and abandonment. And at first you find this unsettling you’re human and you crave love and connection. But as time passes you begin to realize that you are undeserving of this bond, and you become a shell with no soul. You no longer exist; you simply drift from moment to moment trying to keep some... »View More
Added Sunday, December 27, 2009
in 5 year old Grace, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, Repeat the trauma, Shaking in the dark
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Grace’s safety advisory system been elevated to *RED*
Please be aware of your surroundings at all times and do NOT leave your body unattended….but! I should capitalize that…BUT it is not always a choice. And lately, awareness and attendance to my body have not been a choice. I cannot stay in this body at night. It is uninhabitable. And I tell the therapist there is so much I can’t talk about. So many things that happened that I’m so ashamed of ~ things I cannot believe I did. And I don’t trust myself. I don’t like the huge blackness that surrounds me that continues to threaten me every night.
I don’t want to remember. I want to forget it all. All of it. Because at night, when the anguish and pain torment me to the point... »View More
Added Sunday, December 27, 2009
in Grace's Thoughts, Repeat the trauma, Therapist, Tread lightly on this one, dissociation, self-injury, suicide
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