Let’s go surfing now ~ everybody’s learning how….(surfing the trauma waves) Yes, the therapist would say, “You have to learn to ride the waves, Grace.” I surfed once, in College, on Spring Break ~ Daytona Beach…it didn’t work out so well. Turns out I wasn’t able to ‘ride the waves’. Ride the waves…study the tides, Grace. I sometimes feel trapped inside my head – worry that I’ve made no progress in therapy since it comes back time after time after time. And each time I get up on that surfboard, the cresting waves slam me into the beach of hell. But I keep trying.  I remember the pain of that child, and I remember it in vivid detail. I can’t forget them. She won’t let me…and if I dare try to forget she reminds... »View More

“After the first death there is no other.” ~ Dylan Thomas I have been screaming inside…and yet no one can hear me.  I needed her to see the message I was trying to communicate. I needed her to understand what I was saying. For many years now…I’ve been screaming inside, yet my screams remain unacknowledged, unheard, by the outside world. I’ve been waiting for a light to go on…like she’s finally going to understand this terribly important thing that I’m struggling with and she’ll help me understand too, and she’ll explain it to me. But instead, she offers some ‘mindfullness’ thoughts and says, “Keep doing the best you can, Grace. Just as you have been doing. You’re making progress, Grace. “ Meditate... »View More

Feeling the same way all over again…singing the same lines all over again…No matter how much I pretend Do you ever have this feeling in your gut that you are in a relationship and you aren’t sure you want to be in it anymore? And it isn’t because you dislike the other person, you just feel unsure if this person can offer you what you need any longer, or maybe they never did…which seems such an odd thing to say when you don’t know what you need, really…but maybe you would know it if you had it? Sadly, I feel this way right now. I think I’ve felt this way, off and on, for quite some time, but not being the best communicator (in personal relationships)the unease just gets pushed back, and I try to continue to trudge along,... »View More

Oh, I’m sorry! I was under the assumption that since I gave birth to him ~ that I get to make the decisions about what’s best for his safety… I didn’t realize the “transportation” department was more qualified to assess the safety of my child.  Thank you for clearing that up for me, dear lady who answers the phones at the school. My son is scheduled to go on a field trip tomorrow.  That’ll be fun…kids love field trips.  But here’s the thing:  I live in an area of the country where it snows…a lot.  And it’s supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow…and the field trip is nearly 2 hours away – and guess what will  cover the roads at 7:30am when the bus leaves?  Yes!... »View More

Are we ready to stop being 16 now Grace? Sometimes I have to sit back for a minute to really appreciate all that the therapist does for me. Like she has totally put up with a lot of shit from me…like she never knows who will show up for session and so I imagine she braces herself right before she opens the door to “greet me and invite me in”…which as I’ve told her a million times – I won’t enter her office until she officially asks me to come in- even if she stands there all *smiley and welcomy* in the therapisty way… evil cannot cross a threshold without being invited in. She knows that! Hum…maybe that’s why her office always smells like garlic (well, when she doesn’t eat onions before my session!) because she’s trying... »View More