Every day you wake up and you feel it, there, within you, that implacable ache. How do you explain the pain? A shot or pill doesn’t make it go away. You suffer it. It consumes you, the dark loneliness. You look in the mirror, run your hands over your body and are surprised to realize that you can’t see or feel the hole you know is right there. All day long it dogs your steps, mocking you as you try to ignore it and move past it, or around it.
Not understanding how to battle it, controlled pain gives you a fleeting sensation of triumph. When you are dealing with the pain of an empty stomach, the burning in your throat from the purposeful vomiting, the pain of bruised and lacerated flesh, the dark ache is forced to the background.... »View More
Added Sunday, February 28, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Living in Lonesome Town, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead
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Late nights seep into me like the silence that screams from the sky. Drenched in questions, I wish to be dried in the answers, but there’s never enough shelter from the rain. The deader the heart, the louder the beating. The ringing in my ears, the sounds of what it was to be alive, resonates through the chaos in my wake.
Wings spread, black feathers reaching one hundred feet high, the ground echoes my name and feeds upon its nightmares. I see the rage in the grey face of my past. The demon looks at me with hollowed black eyes. His focus is on me, the razors mounted, the venom poised.
The start of the end is here. The wall that surrounds me is now a broken dam. The blood and blackness stick to me like molten glass. The screams from my truth... »View More
Added Sunday, February 28, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark
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At night the silence is deafening. I feel her at night, when the silence of my world is encompassing. It’s at night when her voice is never out of my head. She is relentless in her attempts to whisper to me, to wrap my mind in turmoil. She is devious and seductive. Her sharp stare that she fires into my face is cold beyond all I’d assumed in the past. “Come,” she moans into my ear, “Come and tell me of your betrothed despair all you wish too.”
Like a beggar without the talent to support herself, she is unashamed of her presence around me. There are days when I am able to hold her at bay, and those days, she lies by the roadside, her desperate attempts to vie for my attention falling short of the mark.
There are days when I am... »View More
Added Sunday, February 28, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark, TraumaHead, dissociation
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On the outside…
But I never forgot
I have this photographic memory…I never forget anything. I’ve always been that way. It made school quite easy for me. I remember everything. I did force myself not to think about any of my childhood years for a long, long time.
I surrounded myself with people who didn’t know *me* because it was easy to hold myself together, crazybrain and insanity did not surface in the public eye. Partly because I was deeply ashamed of the sheer range of “issues” I have, and partly because of the fear I have that if people knew the real me, they would know that they were better than me, they would look down upon me, pity me, think I was trash…no one was allowed in. I was poised beyond the brink... »View More
Added Sunday, February 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, CrazyBrain, Cyber-Hugs, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Living in Lonesome Town, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, dissociation
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I am fraying and I do not know if it is possible to take the different pieces of me and knit them back together. Last night I was sitting here and apropos of nothing and quite suddenly the panic and fear began. It happens like that *snaps fingers* and I am swiftly taken back there, to the past, remembering what it was like to be lying there, underneath him; praying and wishing myself somewhere else…repeating now what I would say then, “I’ll be a good girl. It’s going to be okay. I’m not here. This is not real.” But it was real…and at times it still feels real. It can be a feeling, a sound, something on the television, a smell….smells are the worst because there are no words. There is no language... »View More
Added Sunday, February 28, 2010
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, Grace's Thoughts, Living in Lonesome Town, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, dissociation, self-injury
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One of my daughter’s friend’s (A) is moving to Utah tomorrow. DD & A have been in school together since kindergarten, with the exception of a couple of months at the beginning of this year when I think friend’s mother just kept her out of school. It’s a small town….people talk. When DD had her sleepover for her birthday in January - A’s mother arrived drunk and high with her boyfriend pawing her all over in my kitchen. ICK!
When I got home from MS on Thursday, DD handed me a piece of notebook paper that was to serve as an invitation for A’s “going away party” tonight. And I knew I couldn’t let her go. I just couldn’t send my daughter to someone’s house... »View More
Added Saturday, February 27, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
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It makes me want to scream…shout…shriek…screech…
It is becoming increasingly more difficult to manage because it’s so unpredictable. It comes out of nowhere! One minute I’m totally fine and the next I feel this heat and nausea come over me…then panic. And then I cannot catch my breath and I know I am going to lose control and I feel like a trapped animal surveying the area for an escape. Except of course I cannot escape the one thing I need to get away from: myself. And of course, anxiety has NO manners and can make obscene appearances in the most embarrassing places: crowded restaurants, airplanes, basketball games, car rides. And let me not discount the darkness of the night where we are completely... »View More
Added Saturday, February 27, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark, TraumaHead
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Added Saturday, February 27, 2010
in Gracie Cries, Gracie's Blue Blanket
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So many people stumble upon my blog by googling Marsha Linehan is a fat C U Next Tuesday (Fraud) “I HATE DBT”
Try it and see for yourself!
* ClashI started DBT and I hate it. I was feeling so bad when I went there and when I told them everyone got mad at me. I don’t know if I ever want to go back. …
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/clash.html –
* Saving Grace5 year old Grace · child abuse · CrazyBrain · CSA · DBT · DBT is NOT Therapy … Gracie’s Blue Blanket · Humorous/Sarcastic Grace · I hate DBT · insomnia …
growingupgrace.com/home/ –
* Recently, I received an email from someone who found my blog by googling “how I hate DBT” and it still saddens and angers me that... »View More
Added Friday, February 26, 2010
in CrazyBrain, DBT, DBT is NOT Therapy, I hate DBT, Marsha is a cult leader, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Repeat the trauma, Survivors against DBT & the Nun, TraumaHead
3 Comments
I feel like I am on the edge of a mental-freakin-breakdown! And I think I really need someone to slap my face ~ and then maybe hug me really tight and don’t let go until I feel like I can breathe on my own again.
I feel so lost right now…I am nothing. I spent the week switching from being the confident successful grace…to seductive grace… to panicked scared grace…so often that I don’t even know who the real Grace is right now….maybe I never did.
I’m so scared right now. I don’t want to talk about the week yet. …but I feel lost and afraid. I don’t know if it can get better, if I can ever control those parts inside of me who seem to just take over. I don’t know if I can learn to trust anyone…I don’t... »View More
Added Friday, February 26, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark, dissociation
6 Comments
