I am quite seriously thinking of performing my own lobotomy tonight. At this point I think that is the only way to kill the craziness. I have tried to get help but I get handed a handful of anti-crazy meds and a 3×5 card with some distraction skills and the directive to “shut up and behave”.
I tell a DBTC that her class isn’t working for me and I get called a petulant child. (Are you kidding me?)
I tell the therapist that the dbt classes aren’t working for me, and she tells me, “Of course you are going to feel irritable after DBT class as this class runs counter to what your emotional mind wants which is to be heard, understood and comforted, vs being told to modulate, distract, “pretend” to feel good.” Dear... »View More
Added Wednesday, March 31, 2010
in CrazyBrain, DBT is NOT Therapy, Defiant Grace, I hate DBT, Invalidation, Marsha is a cult leader, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Repeat the trauma, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you
6 Comments
So many times the therapist has said to me, “Grace, try to appeal to your rational mind…” In fact, I could provide 93 examples of the therapist using the word “rational”. And when I speak about what happens at night when fear and dissociation happens and the 5 year old lives the past over and over again…the therapist says to me, “Grace, the rational part of you needs to take charge at night.” Therapist say what? The “rational” part of me needs to take charge of the 5 year old at night and convince her that there is no reason to be afraid and that her fear is not based in “reality” because logically, the ESF is not hurting her and she is safe now?
Um…yes, let’s walk though this together, shall we?
Quite honestly,... »View More
Added Wednesday, March 31, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CrazyBrain, Defiant Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shaking in the dark, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you, depression, dissociation
8 Comments
I am sitting here alone in the darkness of my family room, the flavor of cheap moscato lingering on my taste buds, tired and headachy and trying my damnest not to scream or cry. The headache that lingers from yesterday’s endless waterfall of tears is begging me not to play the role of the hysterical female, waving her white kerchief helplessly while waiting for her knight in shining armor to ride in on his white stallion and rescue her tonight. I have to roll my eyes at that thought, and proclaim loudly, “And they all lived happily ever after…” and then close the book and sigh.
The only reasonable alternative that I can come up with to grant that wish is to sit and stare off to my left, and try to detach myself from all that I... »View More
Added Tuesday, March 30, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, Cyber-Hugs, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Repeat the trauma, Shame, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, Therapist, TraumaHead, child abuse, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror, sex
8 Comments
The hus has a sensitive side. It’s just hard to find under the hard exterior.
The hus and I dated in college and then we broke up for just over 2 years. The break-up wasn’t a friendly one…and I told myself that I wouldn’t take him back if he came crawling back on his hands and knees. I lied. He called me over two years after we had last spoken and when my roommate told me who was on the phone, I said, “hus too”. He was highly offended at the time because he considered himself unforgettable. But I dated…I got around – a lot. And I had put him out of my mind.
He came back crawling on his hands and knees with Air Supply. The air supply song, All out of love, has always been kind of a “joke” and “our song”…some... »View More
Added Monday, March 29, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
1 Comment
When I sat down on the “couch” this afternoon, the therapist looked at me and said, “You look like you’re barely holding it together…” What I really wanted to say is that I had already cried four times before I got there – dealing with the *family* mess, and my stomach has been a wreck, and I can’t seem to handle much of anything right now, except crying and sleeping and puking. I haven’t been to the grocery store in 2 weeks, I told the hus I would do it on Sunday (didn’t) then I told him I would do it today (still didn’t) and now I said I’ll do it tomorrow. The house is a wreck, there’s a week’s worth of newspapers just piled up in the kitchen because I don’t have the energy to clean them up, there are... »View More
Added Monday, March 29, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression
5 Comments
Paddle faster!
I come from a long line of illiterate rednecks. My mother was adopted and I’ve never met my bio father, but I hear his mother was one of those genuine back woods women who had no teeth and chewed tobacco while sitting on the house porch listening to banjo music. My mother’s bio parents were asshole alcoholics (much like her) but my grandparents, her adoptive parents are/were good people.
I have two brothers, one older, one younger. My older brother has been in and out of prison for years, he is currently “in”. My younger brother, the only one of us who actually called the ESF “dad” was in and out of juvenile detention centers until he was around 16 years old at which point he settled down and is now married... »View More
Added Monday, March 29, 2010
in CrazyBrain, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Shame, TraumaHead, child abuse, depression
5 Comments
The jokes about rape have affected me today. That, and the fact that anytime I eat something I have an overwhelming need to vomit. Again, I fight the wrong things. If I were stronger the jokes about such a taboo subject would not affect me…if I were stronger, my immune system would be stronger and much more able to fight off these viruses. But instead these thoughts, these memories, these viruses; they continue to find the weak spots within me, and they enter into my body and my mind, wreaking havoc and destroying me.
My thoughts today have run to the far right indicating that I missed the detour sign and have now driven into unsafe territory. It is a scary place to be…inside this traumatized brain of mine, and I do not want... »View More
Added Sunday, March 28, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Repeat the trauma, sex
13 Comments
I was watching a comedy show on the comedy channel and the host of the show was making fun of everyone and everything. Now I like a good joke as much as the next girl, but then he started making jokes about Rape. *Rape Humor* ~ he called it. The introduction: You want more rape humor? Of course you do, you sick bastards!” And I suddenly stopped laughing and forgot about every funny thing he had said in the previous 22 minutes. WTF!? Then I went on the internet to “Ask.com” and typed in, “How to tell a good rape joke” and “ask” was all, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Rape isn’t funny.”
But apparently it is. “Rape Humor” is quite the laughing matter. Ugly Betty did a show on it. The comedy channel... »View More
Added Sunday, March 28, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
4 Comments
Last night I was afraid to go to sleep, but not in the way that I am typically afraid of sleep. I wasn’t afraid of the nightmares that can overtake me in the darkness, I was afraid because I felt so sick and I kept thinking if I had some 24 hour stomach thing then if I could just stay awake till 3:04am then it would be safe to sleep. Ah, the logic of the illogical…it’s a beautiful thing.
I spent the night dozing on and off on the couch, using a heating pad for the aching in my hips and a cold cloth for my head, unable to find a comfortable position that would alleviate the pain in my chest, head, and hips at the same time. The searing pain in my chest and the uncontrollable vomiting had me in tears more than a few times as I would... »View More
Added Saturday, March 27, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, TraumaHead
8 Comments
All week I’ve had these terrible nauseating headaches…and nothing will make them surrender. I try lying down in the dark, sleeping, hot packs, cold packs, taking meds…anything from ibuprofen to exedrin, aleve, 3 different prescription migraine meds but nothing is working. I am nauseous and dizzy as a result of the relentless headache and the medications – no doubt!
This morning I woke up startled at 3:04am overwhelmed with the urge to vomit and raced to the bathroom. At 4:30 when the hus got up to get ready for work and found me lying on the bathroom floor, he was all, “Grace, are you okay?” Clearly, I am not okay, hus…people who are okay do not just lie on the bathroom floor sweating and shivering at the same time... »View More
Added Friday, March 26, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
4 Comments
