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That old saying, “April showers bring May flowers…” I was thinking of that tonight. May…mothers day is in May – a “hallmark” holiday, if you ask me, but I’m sure there are many who would disagree. A day to “celebrate” mothers. But I don’t celebrate my mother. I remember several years ago, I was going to spend mother’s day with my gramma and I knew the host body would be there. And to prevent a truly awkward situation for everyone I stopped to get her a mothers day card. I stood there, in the hallmark store, for an hour, reading card after card, trying to find one to buy for the woman who was gracious enough to give birth to me, but never loving me, or... »View More
Recently, one of my good friends, a financial analyst, was laid off and the company hired a 12 year old to do her job. I applaud the concept…I do – I mean you lay of a dedicated long time employee to hire a 12 year old you can pay in tinker toys rather than cash…it’s genius for saving the company money, right? Maybe in some cases…but not this one. My friend is a multi-tasker. I could call the woman on a Tuesday evening and ask for a gross margin report and she could get me the report while coaching her daughter’s softball practice. One of the main responsibilities of the financial analyst (formerly my friend, now the 12 year old) is preparing the monthly financial metrics book. It’s the New Testament for the finance... »View More
…won’t you stay with me just a little longer… Overly functional and professional Grace is back. Welcome! Sad/Loney/Despondent Grace: Gawd, gurl, where have you been, I have missed you! Overly functional/professional Grace: No worries – because I am here now so you go take a break because honestly – you’re wearing everyone out. Sad/Lonely/Despondent Grace: Please stay…a little while longer… I had a good day today. I didn’t have any nightmares last night – at least none that I remember – and I actually slept for 5 hours straight without waking up once! Yay me! My boss is town …I really like my boss. He strokes my ego Which I really needed right now. ... »View More
My daughter found a card that my gramma had given her. In the card, gramma glued one of her old school photos (she was a teacher) and she wrote, “Just a gift for no reason at all but that I was thinking of you.” I think she gave her a barbie with the card. My gramma used to play barbies with my daughter when we would visit her. My daughter brought the card to me. It made me cry. I’m still crying. I am thinking of you gramma. I love you and I miss you. And I am sorry I was not there with you to hold your hand when you left this world. But I believe you are now somewhere where you will always feel loved and you will never be lonely. »View More
I am wondering how common it is for therapists and clients to actually consult with an outside therapist. From what I understand it is quite common for therapists to have supervision, or consult with another therapist/clinician on the treatment of clients, particularly those who are more “challenging” (such as me). But what about working together with an outside consultant? I have a brain and a voice, and clearly the therapist already consults about me anyway, so how about I get involved in this process too. I asked this question to a survivor friend of mine and she was quite helpful in providing her experience as well as providing me with some information that perhaps might be helpful for me and possibly to the therapist,... »View More
I have a memory like an elephant. That’s a phrase that’s been muttered to me on many occasions. I remember most everything. The good, the bad & the ugly. Today I was thinking about what I would remember about the big TR I have with the therapist when I one day reflect back on our relationship. No one is going to be in therapy forever, right? You seek therapy to alleviate your pain, remove and absolve what is causing the pain – or at the very least, learn to live with it. You are looking for personal growth, character change. Recently, I’ve heard many comments about the TR being the most important part of therapy, and I agree. People with my “history” are not easy to work with, from a therapeutic standpoint,... »View More
“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.” ~ Marilyn Monroe I have found a cure for this here depression! And it’s simple and something I did for over 25 years. Conceal the truth and pretend to be okay. It works ya’ll! I swear on it! It got me through high school and college (with only brief periods of suicidal thoughts and therapy) and it got me though most of my 20s and early 30s. Costumes and humor. It works! It was instinctual…I think – learning to be someone else on stage to conceal the... »View More
Yesterday afternoon I sent an email to the therapist expressing my concern and confusion at the obvious changes in her resonses to me. I sent her the two email expamples that I posted previously, here: This is why… and tried to explain how I felt to her about the emails and how I felt like when I was reaching out to her for help when I felt broken, she actually became more distant. Therapist: I feel BAD. Like bad bad…and that’s when I feel like I need you to be supportive but instead, I feel like you turn into a different person. Like literally. And then that f’s me up more. Because it isn’t “you” (and yes, you probably disagree with that –but it’s how I feel). And so then I get even more angry and instead... »View More
This is why… I don’t show the “real” me anywhere but here and the therapist’s office. I know how I feel about the “real” Grace, and so I prefer the ‘fake’ Grace because that Grace is rockin’ awesome! I mean she is hilarical and confident ~ she is the whole package…who wouldn’t want to be her? But the “real” Grace ~ that girl is broken and shattered, depressed and hurting, dissociative and ugly. No one would want to see her. In fact, broken Grace has been in appearance quite a bit since her gramma died. She has been out in full-force, raging with self-hate, suicidal thoughts and self-destructive behavior. She has been depressed to the point of paralysis and at times seeing no other way out but dying so... »View More