Why do we say that? I mean, I know we do it to reassure someone who is possibly feeling insecure or frightened. But why do we say it? Why do we say “you will be okay” to someone when we really have absolutely no idea if the person we are saying it to WILL be okay. I mean, unless you are psychic (yes, I said psychic, not psycho) and you believe you can see the future and are therefore confident that the person will be okay.
We say it a lot too. I say it to people. In kind, others say it to me.
I was in and out of the hospital when I was a kid with recurrent kidney infections. And I remember once I had kidney infection and a fever of 104 and my gramma took me to the emergency room. When we were in the emergency room I remember... »View More
Added Sunday, May 30, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
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Does it ever!
My mind remembers a lot….too much. Some nights I beg God, the universe, whatever – to not let me remember. But lately, my body remembers more. And the physical pain is intense and debilitating. In fact, there are moments it’s nearly unbearable. And there’s no real reason or explanation for it. But it hurts. Migraines the pain medication won’t touch. They never seems to go away – especially on the left side of my head and down my neck. Even when it isn’t a full-blown migraine there’s always a dull ache that is irritating.
Hip and pelvic pain that will not cease despite copious amounts of Aleve, stretching, changing positions. It hurts. Walking is painful and it’s difficult to sit. I’m... »View More
Added Saturday, May 29, 2010
in CSA, Grace's Thoughts, Repeat the trauma
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Sometimes I don’t know what is happening, both inside and outside of me, and therefore I find it difficult to tell you. This has been a difficult week and I have been trying to figure out where the line is…how much I can stand. My brain continues to speak to me of things I wish not to remember and then throw in the real physical pain sensations and I have been overwhelmed to the point that Thursday I could do nothing but rock and pray for it to please stop. F**K- I’m rocking right now as I type this…
My body feels like someone has taken a lighted match and touched my skin with the fire…and my skin is on fire. Every night is long. Every breath is hard. I get tired of trying to explain it so I just smile and pretend. ... »View More
Added Friday, May 28, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation, nightmares & terror
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I’m hiding in the bathroom. I threw up but my stomach still aches.
I’m hiding in the bathroom. The tile isn’t cold enough. But I still hide in the bathroom. I’m tired and I can’t do anymore today. So I’m hiding in the bathroom. I won’t cry anymore tonight. Instead I’ll hide in the bathroom. I want to disappear forever. But I don’t-I just hide in the bathroom. I’m a coward and I can’t face anyone or anything tonight. So I just hide in the bathroom.
I won’t be judged for cutting or bleeding here. Not by my bathroom. I can throw up or cry here. While I hide in my bathroom. There are no “limits” on how many times I am “allowed” to come... »View More
Added Tuesday, May 25, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, Shaking in the dark, Shame, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation
3 Comments
That’s what the therapist asked me today…What can I do to make you feel better right now, while you’re here? Right NOW? In my present moment? Why, will you pretty please with sugar on top sing ‘bye-o-baby’ to me, dear therapist? Will you rock with me and sing ‘bye-o-baby”? Ppplllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeeee?? I didn’t say anything…but I’m pretty sure I just rolled my eyes at her? I don’t get it – that’s why. I am supposed to sit there and find ‘comfort’ in her office for 45 minutes a week and then somehow take those brief few moments and incorporate them into the rest of my week? I don’t get it.
I was irritable when I got there. It had already been a long day at work and sometimes it’s nearly impossible to remove... »View More
Added Tuesday, May 25, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Cyber-Hugs, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, I can do it by myself, Sleep? Who needs it! ME, Therapist, depression, nightmares & terror
4 Comments
My struggles with the 12 year old ( Let the 12 year old do it! ) continue…
With everything going on there are times when my brain is just too whacked out to think through things. That said, I am able to get everything done I need to get done with respect to work and get it done on time. And furthermore, I have have the best results in the company, and have for over 2 years and the boss thinks I am an ‘exceeds expectations’ and I have the evaluation to prove it.
But…the saga of the finance bible continues… the 12 year old still cannot get it right. When the first draft came out, it happened to be on the day the therapist and I went to see TT. I was able to review a few pages and consequently... »View More
Added Monday, May 24, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick)
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That happens to me a lot. Like there is this part of me who says, “This hurts. Do I have to stay here?” And someone else answers, “No…you don’t.” And so it goes… It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. You know that old saying, when the going gets tough the tough get going? Well, that’s not really true for me…I bail. Not all the time…but lately, more often than not.
When I allow myself to stay here, to remember, and acknowledge my past, what happened to me, what I let happen to me. It’s overwhelming. It feels like I’m in one of those 3-D movies at Disney Land and not only can I see it, I can feel it. And the weight of it all is overpowering, it crushes me; physically... »View More
Added Sunday, May 23, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CSA, CrazyBrain, ESF (evil step-father), Grace's Thoughts, Gracie Cries, Shame, TraumaHead, dissociation, nightmares & terror
2 Comments
Remember when I said I was going to invent an ativan pez dispenser? (here: I’m not a ‘good nuff’ dissociator ) Well, my friend Harriet was shopping in the big apple and she found one there!
Yes, I know what you’re thinking….you’re all, “WTH Grace? Are you NUTS? That’s not an ativan pez dispenser, it’s a Hello Kitty PEZ dispenser.” And I know it looks like a Hello Kitty pez dispenser but it dispenses benzos, not pez candy. See, I was originally thinking the benzo holder should have like Anna O’s head on it, or maybe the flying nun. But Hello Kitty is WAY better! (Ya’ll do know that Hello Kitty had a severe anxiety disorder, right? That competition between her and... »View More
Added Sunday, May 23, 2010
in Marsha is a cult leader, Now that's just funny, nightmares & terror
4 Comments
I was emailing with a friend of mine tonight who is having a difficult time (as we do…)and she was thanking me (no need) for telling her that I was “here” for her and how she is always needing that reasurance from her therapist…that he won’t leave her, that he will be there for her.
We are always afraid that if we trust someone enough to let them into our lives that they will leave us when they find out who we really are. I am always afraid that one day I will show up at the therapist’s office and she’ll be all, “Well, Grace…that’s all I can take – I have loathed you since the first moment you stepped into my office – and I’m done now. Get out.”
My friend... »View More
Added Saturday, May 22, 2010
in CSA, CrazyBrain, Friendship, Grace's Thoughts, Repeat the trauma, Therapist, TraumaHead, Trust, Why should I trust you
3 Comments
All of these struggles make us the way we are, don’t they? And even though we’ve never met we still share these qualities. And sometimes we give hope to others and sometimes we take hope from others when we have none of our own.
Today I can offer hope. Today I don’t have a migraine, my head is clear and I am strong. Today I can listen and be here for others. I can help. My heart is full. Today I don’t question who is there for me because I know who I can count on. And I know that I will not be alone when I slip again, there will be a hand for me to grab onto.
All of you comment, email me, call me, text me when I fall and you say to me: What do you need? I’m here. Do you want to talk? Skype? I am here…I am... »View More
Added Saturday, May 22, 2010
in Cyber-Hugs, Friendship, Grace's Thoughts, Gracefully Growing, Hope, Thankful
2 Comments
