I feel put off by unexpected guests. I really prefer someone to CALL first before coming over. That way I can ensure I am prepared for a visit. That I look presentable, the house looks presentable, and I have prepared tea and cookies. Unfortunately, I was caught off guard this morning, and I had none of the above in place!
I also prefer a PHONE CALL before someone should send someone else to my house. For example, should someone like to arrange a play date with the 8 year old, I’d prefer some advance notice, and not just a parent dropping off a child at my house. Likewise, should my shrink decide I’m *unsafe* – I’d prefer she CALL ME and TALK TO ME DIRECTLY! Prior to sending the authorities to my house!
Gosh,... »View More
Added Tuesday, June 29, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Humiliation, Invalidation, Oh the Anxiety, RED HOT RAGE!, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, Trust, Why should I trust you, depression, stop judging me!
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Sometimes life seems like it’s too much. Everything seems to go wrong at once. This is one of those times. A couple of weeks ago the therapist thought it would be a good idea to dig into some of my *present* day experiences and it has lead to an onslaught of self-destructive behavior and major sui thoughts and I am not coping – at the f**k all. I am overwhelmed with anxiety and chronic sui thoughts and the panic I feel inside of my body and mind have left me unable to sleep, or eat, sometimes even to breathe. I am screaming…but there is no sound. There are parts inside of me screaming and fighting and choking the life out of me and still I cannot speak. I am filled with agony, disgust and self hatred and I don’t know what... »View More
Added Monday, June 28, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Invalidation, Nod if you can hear me, PAG (Psycho Angry Chick), Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why can't you hear the screaming?, depression, self-injury, suicide
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I am not sure at what point in the big TR “Therapist” and “Grace”, “I” and “You” merged into a “WE”. I try to reflect back and I can’t pinpoint when she and I became “we”. I shall clarify, although it will still sound like some crazybrain irrational ranting, I’m sure. The thoughts inside my head about this are not really flowing together in any sort of fluid movement…they are broken up; they feel sharp and cold against my skin, bitter and acidic on my tongue. I have noticed however, it is randomly “we” – not a consistent “we”. And I’m not exactly sure what determines which situation is a “we” vs. a “you”.
The past two weeks have been hell…like, really, I can’t imagine it getting... »View More
Added Sunday, June 27, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Invalidation, Therapist, depression, suicide
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Added Saturday, June 26, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
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There are times I have a tough time holding on to my own reality. I drift…float…hidden by the haze. I slip beneath the surface, bobbing in and out of awareness. I feel unsure. I desperately need to lay my head upon someone else’s shoulder, hear another’s heartbeat to remind me that life exists. I needed to find an external constant – a reason to hold on.
I sit here, gazing into nothingness, my eyes unfocused, my mind trying to find the words to tell you how sorry I am, but my mouth won’t form the words. I try to claw my way out, scratch my way through the wall I’ve built between you and me. I tear away at the brick until my fingers are bleeding, and yet I cannot stop.
But I am giving up now….and you should give... »View More
Added Saturday, June 26, 2010
in CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, I can do it by myself, Living in Lonesome Town, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, Why should I trust you, depression, dissociation, suicide
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Earlier this week I heard that there was an employee in our office who had been arrested on suspicion of sexual assault on a child by one in a position of trust, sexual exploitation of a child and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is 30. The minor is 14. I don’t know him – I don’t know her. I know only what the paper printed and the rumor mill around the office threw up. But it was enough. Enough to reaffirm my initial beliefs that society is still quite quick to point fingers at the *victims* of sexual assault and continue to make excuses for those who choose to assault and rape and victimize others. This fact has been painfully brought to my attention many times throughout the years, including a college class... »View More
Added Friday, June 25, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, Grace's Thoughts, Shaking in the dark, Tread lightly on this one, rape
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In session today, the therapist inquires, “So Grace, what are your plans for the weekend?”
And I’m all, “Well, the 8 year old has a sleepover and the hus and the 11 year old have a baseball tournament and it’s far away and I really shouldn’t leave big puppy at home alone for the weekend – so I’m going to stay home with him. So it’s me and Sama-lama-ding-dog.”
The therapist is all, “Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to be alone for the weekend?”
And I’m like, do you always answer with questions? – I didn’t say that part, I just thought it.
What I said was, “My friend is headed to the liquor store for some awesome Moscato for me….and so I am planning to hang with big puppy, have some wine,... »View More
Added Thursday, June 24, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, Defiant Grace, Grace's Thoughts, Therapist
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I see these things – these things that need to be addressed, they all lay in pieces at my feet, like bloody shards of glass. I see them before me. I step on them and they cut my bare feet. I put shoes on and try to step around them and they embed into the soles of my shoes, clicking like tap shoes with each step I take. I told the therapist I did not have the energy to dig one of those shards of glass from the bottom of my shoe today. I told her I see them, I feel them, I hear them when I walk – and I know I need to either remove them or change shoes, but I couldn’t do it today. I am too weak…to alone….to afraid right now. They will still be here next week, I said, maybe I can do it then. Force it all out today... »View More
Added Monday, June 21, 2010
in 5 year old Grace, CrazyBrain, Grace's Thoughts, Grace's thoughts on therapy, Living in Lonesome Town, Nod if you can hear me, Shaking in the dark, Shame, Therapist, TraumaHead, depression, dissociation
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I had a bathroom floor night last night – after the 10 minutes of sleep I got I received an email from bossman letting me know that office peer will be out of the office *unexpectedly* for the week! Which, wouldn’t be a big deal except this week we have our 2 big calls where much preparation is needed to give a trend analysis and forecasts for our respective departments. And I can’t really think right now. The last part of the email, bossman says,”Please compile and present the section for “peer”. WHAT? Again, I am unable to think right now.
Peer is out of the office a lot right now, well, for the past year. Peer’s spouse is *mentally ill* (who isn’t) and has been in an out of hospital/iop (even did DBT last year... »View More
Added Monday, June 21, 2010
in CB rant you should ignore, Grace's Thoughts, dissociation, suicide
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Added Sunday, June 20, 2010
in Grace's Thoughts
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