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The hus likes to listen to that loud screaming head banging hard rock music. I can’t stand it. Like when is screaming really really loud words that cannot even be unserstood music? I have told him repeatedly that his music makes me angry. It really does make me irritated and angry. So I choose not to listen to it – and if he pulls the “it’s my car so I get to listen to my music” whiny act then I just listen to my IPOD while we’re driving together. Which I think is quite awesmome of me to come up with this compromise. It’s not like I ask him to listen to *Delilah* or anything. His IPOD contains only hard rock anger music and now he plugs his this into the car stero so it blares non-stop... »View More
I haven’t been well in awhile. I don’t think I’ve felt well since before my gramma died. I look back and I blame myself. Every day there is this overwhelming shame and blame. I blame me for existing. I blame my body for being abused and hurt. I blame me for all the pain. I blame me. I am ashamed of me. Nothing will make it better. The shame clings to me like a slip filled with static. It moves with me – it molds to my very essence. It doesn’t go away. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am not normal. I carry all this anger and pain and this overwhelming shame. I fantasize about what it would be like if I didn’t exist. If I was never born. If I never existed he could not have hurt me. How lovely... »View More
I’ve been nauseous for about….40 years. But for real, I am sick and running to the bathroom every time I eat! So to prevent that from happening I don’t eat. But then after a day or 2 of not eating I get really nauseous and shaky and dizzy…so then I eat something- then guess what? Right! Back in the bathroom…sick again! I say that to tell you this. I ate luch today…and now…I’m sick again. SURPRISE! So hypocondria has officially taken her post on my left shoulder and I’m convinced something is terribly wrong with me. Some rare form of stomach cancer maybe… I complain about my stomach “issues” to the hus a lot – not like he doesn’t notice since... »View More
Gramma used to sing this song to me. I used to sing this song when I was little. I’m singing this song tonight. It sounds really nice…. Going higher to to stay. Over the clouds and beyond the blue sky. Going where none ever sicken or die…I’m going higher some day. (someday soon) I’m going higher, yes higher someday I’m going higher, yes higher to stay Over the mountain, beyond the blue sky Going where none ever sicken or die Loved ones will meet in that sweet by and by I’m going higher someday Often my soul has been lifted above Lost in the ocean of God’s mighty love Higher and higher, but once still I say I’m going higher someday I’m going higher, yes higher someday I’m... »View More
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…and not just because they also would like to burn the nun’s bible. Let me lighten it up a bit with a few words about my most *favoritistic* topic. Today I was looking at the key words/phrases that have lead people to read Saving Grace. And not surprisingly there were many who were looking for some sort of shall we say: validation, or solidarity, in their own hatred of DBT. Yes folks, this is what the MHPs DON’T tell you! They act like DBT will change your life for the *better* and that everyone benefits from DBT and drinking the Nun’s kool-aid. I’m here to tell you that is NOT the case for me. In fact, now any association to DBT mantra immediately makes me want to poke the the kool-aid-drinking- speaker’s... »View More
As I said in an earlier post, I was missing for several days because I had lost myself. I have since found Broken Grace. And as I suspected, she was on the bathroom floor, curled into a ball and wrapped tightly in a blue blanket drinking two-buck chuck straight from the bottle. She still wishes to hide. I woke up this morning feeling like my insides have been completely ravaged and wasted of any good feelings and the desire to just give up and never come out of hiding again is strong. I am not in a good place right now. I am too tired to battle the demons in my head. I am broken! Broken! And broken Grace cannot deal with the constant headaches and nausea. She cannot handle the chronic pain with no relief. She’s broken. ... »View More
I realize I have control issues at times but this isn’t about “control”. This is about the fact that I am literally repulsed by food. The texture, the thought of food, looking at food….all of it. I have had some type of food aversion in one form or another for as long as I can remember. But now it is as extreme as I can remember since college. There was a point in college where I spent several months living on bagels and rocky road ice cream because that’s all I could eat. A couple of weeks ago I went to lunch with some friends and because of something a friend of mine had ordered and was eating, I was nauseated to the point I could not eat. Of course everyone noticed I wasn’t eating and I told them I wasn’t really... »View More