Some nights are pure bliss
Some nights are wonderful. Some nights are cuddling in the oversized leather chair watching Mama Mia, just the 8 year old and I. Some nights are wearing feather boas and singing ‘Dancing Queen’ out loud in the family room three times because once wasn’t enough to interrupt the football game in the mancave. Some nights are rolling on the floor laughing with the 11 year old while he is tickling me chanting “Happy Tummy” and I feel like I am born again into a Charles Dickens life and I... »View More
Keep your bucket, Onion-Sucker!
Recently someone left a comment on an old post I wrote about *whisper* dbt. This person wrote that she was sadistically abused from the age of four and she lived in a cult for 14 years. Her comment was that she had never heard anyone speak so venomously about dbt (my words) and that aided by dbt and exposure therapy she was able to completely work through all of her trauma in just a few weeks and it “worked like a charm”. (Really, the words within the quotations are hers, she said, “it... »View More
Find something to do!
Whatever will you do, Gracie-Poo? I will make potholders and I will write a book…that’s what I will do. Distraction…before leaving for a 2 week outing (literally, OUTING) in the wilderness, the therapist asked me what I would do to “distract” myself and “keep busy” while she was away. Which, she seemingly doesn’t understand this, but some of you do: I could buy tickets to Las Vegas and plan to go -but should I fall into the pit of hell – I... »View More
Psycho Sports Mom
The 11 year old plays baseball and basketball and the basketball try-outs were held last weekend. There is a *mom* who, in my opinion, takes things WAY TOO SERIOUS for middle school and I seriously have to bite my tongue, lest she find out exactly how I feel about this…but I am trying…I am trying, lord, to stay out of it…and this is year four and it is growing increasingly more difficult. The background story is this: Psycho Sports Mom does not like the basketball coach –... »View More
Help me, I am dying
I internalized all the bad things they said to me. I hear them, I feel them. But I don’t feel the good. That’s it in a nutshell. I watch the “good” Grace from outside of this body and I don’t know her, I don’t see her as part of me. I have no idea who she is even though she is “me”. Instead I carry around this sense of ‘badness’ that was drilled into my head for so many years: You are bad. You will never be anything. You are worthless. You are an evil whore. ... »View More
Protected: Trail Mix *whoops* & PDOC Appt
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Even if only for 1 minute…
I’m sitting here and the last thing I want to do is write. Oh, that’s not entirely true. I have wanted to write…but I haven’t been able to do it. I have been aching to talk about last Friday night but unable to find the words. I have been silent online. I know that. It was on purpose. I have come here several times today, and a few times yesterday, but my mind has been unable to take the myriad of fragmented thoughts and memories and put them down on paper in a way they will... »View More
Protected: trail mix-take me away
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Cheers! My lil’ Zenigan pals
See, I’ve figured it all out…FINALLY! *Grace slaps forehead with palm of hand” I just needed someone to *acknowledge* my pain…because the pain itself was my ultimate truth! A necessary means to a desperately needed end! Thank God that’s over! ** Grace struggles silently in her drunken effort to understand herself completely and achieve the ultimate enlightenment in one fell swoop** after an evening of engaging in smoking crack with the nun (you did know she’s... »View More
Path of *madness*
I felt tired and empty and aching and oh.so.alone in this struggle. Life is so damn painful sometimes and yet we still are supposed to stay here, people are still “counting” on us to put on a happy face and carry on with our head and chin rasied! NO! You must not deter from LIVING even in the face of Hurricane Earl and gale-force winds that tear through your body and blacken your soul. I walk on this path where madness and insanity are the only stepping stones. And the voices get louder... »View More