While I was alone in the bathroom…
With a cheap bottle of screw top wine I thought about how bitter I am of all the people that were not fucked as kids. That ‘s a terrible thing to say…but well, here I am on the bathroom floor, drunk, high on benzos and in pain and so what’s to stop me from saying this…. What? Nothing…Nobody wants to “OBJECT” your honor?
Oh, well then….allow me to continue…
I am broken. I repeat. I am broken. I am angry. I repeat. I am angry.
Fuck! Grace says, as she reaches for the bottle of cheap red wine. Oh, wait, it’s empty…go figure. Oh, well, she tips the bottle and tries to syphon the last drops into her mouth – no different than sucking a dick, is it? and wine tastes way better than spooge. (She is so classy like that).
Anyway, so I was saying. FUCK YOU PEOPLE who had parents who “loved” and “nurtured” them. Fuck all y’all who never knew the feeling of an empty stomach, a slap across the face, a belt buckle across your thighs, a grown up dick in your child mouth. For all you asshole “normal” peeps who never had to sleep with one eye open and pray for a night without fear…which, never came… FUCK YOU! And fuck you twice if you’re out there now successful adults in healthy relationships and completely in love with your life! FUCK YOU!
That shit ain’t happening up in here.. not for this here fucked up chick…sitting here on this fucking cold tiled bathroom floor with some fucking motivational shit on the walls that does nothing for any parat of me when I come in here all fucked up. I’m a middle-aged woman who STILL gets fucked like a kid every fucking night! Still feel just as helpless too! It’s heartbreaking, maddening, crazymaking, spirit dying shit – but you aren’t here, you didn’t help or feel any of this …so I hate you!
I wanted to be like you. I envied the shit out of you. You had everything that I didn’t. And I’m not talking about fucking material shit, either. I’m talking LOVE, SECURITY, SAFETY! I used to pretend to be like you – back when I gave a fuck and thought I could actually make myself like you. I still hate you.
And FUCK YOU! All you assholes in the *HELPING* profession (yes YOU!) who should have fucking “HELPED”! FUCK YOU! for not doing anything! FUCK YOU for ignoring me! Fuck you for turning away! I fucking hate all of you too! Fuck you all now too – all you fuckheads who *pretend* to fucking understand but can’t possibly because it NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!!!! FUCK YOU!
Of course I don’t hate you OUTSIDE OF THE BATHROOM! OUTSIDE of the bathroom I’m all smiles and pretense. But inside, I hate you from stem to stern. I’m sorry. I don’t want to. I just — can’t help it. I can’t help how much it makes me spit and fume inwardly to know that you had what I have always desired. And I never did. I never will.
Here, inside the bathroom, it takes all of my strength to not break the overpriced mirror above the sink and slit my worthless throat with the pieces. EVERY SINGLE OUNCE! EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ABUSIVE ASSHOLFE FUCKS!
FUCK! I’m tired. I’m tired of fucking envying and hating you…fuck you for that too!
And FUCK ME! For not being able to LIVE!
Love, the little blonde girl you all so endearingly called, “Hot-Rod” the life of the party you called ”G-G, the dancing machine”
Come dance on my grave! cry my funeral. *reminisce* about how much fun we had together! How I was always laughing and smiling…I hate you! All of you! But you’ll never know…
COMMENTS:
Tyler: I understand this rage. I connected with some people from The Brown Schools and we just raged about how we were kids and the peope who were supposed to look after us were just kids! The hours spent, days really in a locked seclusion room. All becuase some adults wpuldn’ keep their cocks in their pants! I cannot understand how anyone can look at a kid and think about sex, I want to pull their toenails out one by one!